Sunday, May 31, 2009


I am as guilty as anyone else. I've been feeding my intellect with far too many unwholesome snacks. Snacks come in the form of Twitter updates, sound bites, video clips, one-liners, quips, bumper stickers, T-shirts, skinnies, fortune cookies, blurbs, and slogans. Folks just don't seem to take the time needed to fully explore issues properly. Enterprise stories in newspapers are far and few between. (Newspapers may soon become far and few between) On television, Outside of of shows like Frontline on PBS, there isn't that much meat. Political shows present mere talking points and argue them ad nauseum.

The danger of all this is that our politcal opinions are often based on shallow information and little understanding of the total situation. No wonder our political conversations come off like a Henny Youngman routine. If that's the way it's going to be, I'm now going to aim my buttocks toward the sky like those plasma shooting beetles in Starship Troopers and rip off a few nuggets of my own.

Here goes. In my social/ political utopia:

1. All USA students are required to be fluent in a second language.
2. Marijuana is legal.
3. Churches have to pay taxes like any other business.
4. Artists and scientists are pictured on our money, not just politicians.
5. Medical care is free (socialized, if you will)
6. Schools are not viewed as day-care facilities. Short student days. More emphasis on parent involvement.
7. Each athletic scholarship granted by a college must be matched by 3 academic scholarships to students of the same high school
8. Flat tax for all. No local or state taxes.
9. No blackout rules for televised sports.
10. Only one boxing champion per weight class.
11. Free wireless everywhere.
12. No censorship.
13. Race, gender, sexual preference and nationality are all non-issues.
14. Mandatory military or social service for those of ages 19-21.
15. Consensual fist fights are an acceptable means of resolving personal disputes
16. All Cable / Satellite TV stations can be selected ala carte.
17. Salary cap for MLB.
18. Fox news must include a laugh track.
19. Neckties go the way of spats and hats.
20. Children under 13 tethered to parents in public places.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


Writing task lists wastes valuable time.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Fading Fast

I accepted the NaBloPoMo challenge this month in hopes of jump starting my blog activity. The challenge is to update the blog every day for a month. I should have done this in February, rather than in May. I face three more days instead of being finished.

I was reminded today that I had more readers than I realized. I was restricting comments too tightly and as a result, I was getting minimal feedback. This may be the encouragement I need to push through until the end. I've now opened up comments to Ellis Island level. Any and all are welcome. The good news for the few who are kind enough to read this running diatribe is that I will go back to maybe 8 or 9 quality posts per month and there will be less filler.

My "A" material is being broadcast on Twitter, which has made it difficult to muster 31 good ideas for this month. I was going to write about people who let their kids run wild in public. I'm saving it for a feature length entry later this summer. Too good of a subject to waste on a Friday night quickie.

I had hoped to write about my doggies and get some new pictures up. Bosco and Smooch were too busy fussing over the neighbor's chihuahuas and wouldn't hold still. All I have are a few blurry butt shots of them.

Folks, this beer is going down REAL easy tonight and I have some quality TV to watch. Better that you read my Twitter timeline, which will serve as my entry for today.

@GuiltyBystander 52 year old cigar? They must have not sold very well. from web in reply to GuiltyBystander

@jsttmfb Little fuckers. I'll keep that in mind. Don't want to offend one of them and get bit on a buttock. from web in reply to jsttmfb

Undomesticated dogs of mine won't cooperate for back yard photo shoot. from web

@cln0103 Thanks for the follow back. Followed from @LazyBuddhist #ff list. I have empathy for folks with urges to punch people. from web in reply to cln0103

@superbadgirl A replacement DVD of Dexter? Mace? Pumps with 5-inch heels for tottering around the mall? Full sized 'rita glasses? from web in reply to superbadgirl

@returntorural Props to your sis. Meaty degree too. Refreshing to see. from web

@PrincessAndy Do not go into a weekend with unfinished business. Get all your punching out of the way before this evening. from web in reply to PrincessAndy

@112mirabela Thanks. Open ID is an option. No wonder comments are far and few between. from web in reply to 112mirabela

@112mirabela That google only comment rules is their doing. It's not a restriction I chose. Maybe I should rant about it? from web in reply to 112mirabela

@112mirabela Back atcha. The sun have must be shining over the whole planet today. from web in reply to 112mirabela

Stayed up until 8:30 a.m. watching 'The Wire' Have to get out and enjoy the rest of this bright sunny day. from web

@superbadgirl No more unkind than me wishing guys wearing $100 ties wiould get them caught in a car door. from web in reply to superbadgirl

@LazyBuddhist Appreciate the #followfriday. Thank You. from web in reply to LazyBuddhist

Dropped a beer bottle on garage floor. It did not break. Worried that this is the opening scene of a Twilight Zone episode. from web

Thursday, May 28, 2009


The way products revolving around sex are presented in their television commercials annoys me. These products can be about nothing but sex. The pitch comes off as juvenile and naughty. Straight, mature, talk would be less offending. I don't require silly euphemisms. Tell me what your wares can do for me in no uncertain terms. I cannot be embarrassed. I'm not here to be titillated. Talk to me. I'm an adult.

Actors speak about sexual subjects with the same nervous apprehension as those in 'polite society' Never mind that it's 3 a.m. and I've been watching an uncut Comedy Central show . The commercial still has to go to ridiculous lengths to skirt the subject matter in order not to offend any viewers.

The ad for Enzyte has this... this... woman coming on my TV with her smirky-assed grin. In a cooing voice she tells you how these sugar pills, or whatever the fuck they are, will help enlarge "that certain part of the male anatomy." I just want to punch her. Lady, Just say, "It will make your penis bigger and as a result girls seeking big penises will now have sex with you. ."

Then there's these two gals giggling it up because of Trojan's Vibrating Touch. As far as I can tell, the vibrating touch is a retrofitted joy-buzzer that aids in masturbation. Fine. I can see where that would come in handy when your work break is only five minutes long and there are hot dudes like me walking about your office. I just can't take the embarrassed twittering about these ladies' use of the product. Even the senior female chimes in that she's a satisfied customer herself. More girl giggles. A side issue: If a man is caught punching the clown on the job, wouldn't he be cast out for being a perve? Anyway, why isn't there mention of how this product is superior to other methods of self pleasure. I want charts. I want statistics. Maybe a graphic or two.

Girls Gone Wild: College girls lifting their shirts and revealing a blurry chests for 30 straight minutes gets a bit tiresome. In fact, college girls lifting their shirts for 30 straight minutes and revealing their nipples may get a bit tiresome. And what's this fixation with "coeds"? I don't know of any data that says higher education results in firmer, rounder, or perkier breasts. Will beating one's meat to these DVDs result than a higher IQ for the end user? I am puzzled by the selling point of "This time we've gone too far!" Naked is naked. Maybe going too often is more accurate. I'm of the opinion that one DVD can be considered a lifetime supply of GGW material. Maybe that's why we have the blurry chests. If one DVRed the commercial with the entire chest revealed then there would be no reason to buy the whole DVD.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Rock Around the Clock

Whenever possible, I listen to music.

In the car, while the house, while working on the computer, sometimes just sitting and listening. I ahve something playing almost all day long.
I now listen to music ALL NIGHT LONG. I stream Radio Paradise or Last FM through my iPod Touch and wireless network . The earbuds I use completely block out the sounds of snoring dogs, passing motorcycles, cat nookie, and other household noises. I've been sleeping very well for the last few days.

Radio Paradise does throw in a jarring tune on occasion and my sleep is mildly interrupted. Last night I tried something new. I picked up an iPod app (White Noise) that plays ambient sounds. It took a few trials before I settled on Airplane Travel. I sleep on planes mostly because of the fistful of Xanax I down before a flight. I only dropped one last night. The abundance of leg room on my virtual flight and the absence of flight attendants, or talking passengers made up for the low level dose.

8 straight hours on a flight to nowhwere in particular. Ah.
I may try Camp Fire tonight. The ocean and stream selections are good but make me want to get up and pee. I think there are 40 sound selections. I'm also working on a play list of sleepy time music. In any case, my insomnia and / or irregular sleep schedule may by finally corrected thanks to my trusty iPod Touch.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Film of the Decade

Each decade seems to have a film indelibly tied to it. In most of these movies an attempt is made to show modern people of the time in their natural habitat. These accidental period pieces are the prodigies of the prevailing pop culture.

1950s - Rebel Without A Cause. I think I heard the term Daddy'O in this one. If not, it was certainly implied.

1960s - Doctor Strangelove - Forget the Beach Blanket Bingo crowd. This Kubrick masterpiece captures the mindset of the decade.

1970s - Saturday Night Fever - The political impetus of the 60s fizzles out and this is what we have in terms of residue. Sucked. But so did the 70s.

1980s - We have a tie. Desperately Seeking Susan and Wall Street. Respectively, Those who didn't give a shit and the reason why they didn't give a shit. (The brick Michael Douglas talked into is worth a good laugh today. )

1990s - Clueless - Seems like all the other movies of the day were period films. Once again watch the cell phones and you'll have a clue about this 1995 release,

2000s - So far it seems to be all cartoons or comic book hero fare. Take your pick from one of the Bourne films and their ilk. Gadgets vs. terrorists seems to be the theme so far this century.

Monday, May 25, 2009

More odds and ends

1. I'm thinking of shutting down my Facebook account. I have my hands full in the way of social media with two-business related discussion groups, blogs , and the preferred Twitter. I appreciate the few folks who took the time to find my bare-bones front page on Facebook. I contribute nothing, which makes me appear to be rude. I doubt if I'll be missed.

2. Kahn's Fine Wines is the best place in the universe. Hyperbole? I think not. The selection wine, beer, and spirits is vast. The staff is knowledgeable and I also seem to get in a discussion with fellow customers about which beer or Scotch to try next.

3. Speaking of beer. Sarah, Brenden and I played a short game. The idea was to come up with exotic beer names that might be brewed by notorious people. Sarah won hands down with Ted Kaczynski's "Montana Manifesto Pale Ale"

4. Where I'd like to be right now? Sitting on a craggy bluff in Northern California with dear wife, eating smoked salmon, drinking Laphraoig, and silently looking out over the Pacific Ocean.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


Found old Bible in recycle bin.

Friday, May 22, 2009

What transpired

Went to Binkley's on 54th and Keystone. I wanted to go anywhere that was lively. Meh. Wasn't lively enough. The food was just fine but the drinks were sold at ballpark prices. A 23 oz Blue Moon ran $7.25. Frakken Bill Gates couldn't get a buzz on at that rate.

I insisted on continuing the night at Chatham Tap on Mass. Avenue. More like it. My lady escorts had dessert chased by coffee spiked with Bailey's. I downed 3 glasses of Gaffel K├Âlsch. This is what I had in mind. Could have skipped the first destination altogether.

Back home. Beer 5 or 6 is that point in the evening where you have to decide to either call it a night or go on a serious bender. Beer 7 is the point of no return. I put it up for a vote. Lost 2 to 1 despite filibuster.

Here I sit, telling my tale

Unknown Location

We are going somewhere tonight. We are going to eat and have a few drinks. Where? No idea. We will be picking up a friend in Broad Ripple and then go to this place. We are picking her up some time after 6:30. On one hand this is an adventure. One the other hand, it's a recipe for disaster ending up at Burger King and a liquor store. Tonight's destination is not being kept a secret , but rather it's a case three people crippled by indecision. Follow up post coming later tonight.

Idea for a new restaurant chain: Dick Cheney's Unknown Location.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Swoon is the new release by Silversun Pickups.

I've listened to the entire album* every night for the last week. I take the iPod to bed with me and fall off to sleep shortly afterwards. The soundscape produced by the lush mix is hypnotic. This is not New Age music. Swoon rocks hard. The tracks are heavy on drums and bass. The structure of each song is not limited to theme and variation on a single groove in the style of, say, a band like Spoon. The sound is thickly layered, yet each instrument has clarity. maintaining a crispness where one would expect a muddy result. Swoon is an amazing audio engineering feat. The music is good, too. It is composed, not simply written.

This is one of those albums that need to by listened to from start to finish in one sitting and with headphones or earbuds. Listening to one track off your car's Sirius XM radio will probably leave you cold as will iTune's 30-second sample. I would not recommend playing Swoon at a lively party. It won't make you want to get up and dance This is music that requires your attention.

In all aspects, Swoon is a work of art.

*albums get there name from the days when a recorded body of work, like a symphony, required multiple 78 rpm records. The discs came stored in a bound volume of sleeves that resembled a photo album.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I admitted to my neice that I enjoy watching Project Runway. She quickly shot back, "Well Gah!, I know why. Heidi Klum." She had me. Heidi Klum is a draw and a small part of the reason I don't miss an episode of the show.. Easy to look at, wicked sense of humor, intelligent. Come on, who wouldn't have a crush on her?

These aren't my nominations for Maxim's 100 hottest women on the planet. I just happen to be smiiten. These ladies warm my heart. In realistic terms, my dear wife would gouge out my eyes and start removing vital appendages if any of these romances came to fruition. But for the record, here's' the short list (with annotation) of my dream girls.

1. Heidi Klum - fore mentioned.

2. Kari Byron - Mythbusters darling who is cute and energetic. She operates power tools, shoots rifles and drives heavy machinery.

3. Samantha Brown - Perky. Seems like the kind of girl who would insist on paying for her own meal.

4. Rachel Maddow - I like the way she talks. A truly beautiful person from what I can tell.

5. Jane Kaszmarek - Reminds me of the Polish girls in my old neighborhood.

6. Zooey Deschanel - Great eyes. Voice of an angel. Better elf than Liv Tyler.

7. Tamron Hall - The news is so much better with her.

8. Michelle Yeow - I liked her best in 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' I can't resist a lady who can kick butt.

I am so dead.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Wait Time

I turned off the car radio today during a trip to a nearby medical lab. The traffic was slowed due to road construction. The wait at the packed lab was unusually long. Forgot my foil hat. Here's what the forces of evil may have picked up with their mind-scanning satellite:

Dead cricket on garage floor. It's been there since last summer. Jiminy lies in repose right under my transmission case. When I come back home, I'm not inspired to get out of the car, remove the insect, get back in the car, and park it for the night.

Missed a big swath of grass while mowing today. Meh.

Don't kids play outside anymore? Looks like the Pied Piper has paid a visit. School is out. yet no kids to be seen.

Per client, there are more handicapped parking spaces at Wal Mart than at this medical center.

The elevator in the medical center serves two floors. The control panel displays buttons indicating each of the two floors, that being "1" and "2". Everybody seems compelled to push their floor number. [Think about it]

No music is played in the lab waiting room. Reading material is sparse. The chairs are arranged around the perimeter so people are forced to look at each other. It's like a big group therapy session, except no one is talking. I'm wondering why the other folks are here.

One poor lady is missing a leg.

Being stuck in the arm does not bother me. Most everything else does. I watch in interest as my cardio vascualr system is relieved of the sample. That was quick. Waited 20 minutes for a 45-second procedure.

Hey, a band aid! C'mon I like the purple binding they usually use to hold down the cotton ball.

Pressed the "1" in the elevator.

Left the sun roof wide open. To my credit, I did lock the doors.

Sonsofbitches raised gas prices again today. I want to move to vibrant neighborhood in a big city where owning a car is unnecessary. San Francisco.

Fewer people are washing their cars . This includes me. I don't see the point of shining up my Honda every time a few raindrops fall on it. This is a good thing.

The traffic is backed up along the road cutting through two cemeteries. The grave markers on the left are from the 19th century. These people didn't live long. One fellow lasted 65 years. All the others died in their 50s.

Cell phone conversation while smoking while driving. Feel like flipping her off.

Examining the change in my cup holder. What did they do with all those annoying little 1 centime coins in France after the Euro came to be?

The weather is delightful, yet construction equipment sits idle as I drive over a clangy metal plate temporarily covering an excavation in the middle of the road.

Maybe I should clean up that spot I missed with the mower. Nah.

Parked right over the cricket again.

Monday, May 18, 2009


I was fresh out of material for today's post and only a miracle could keep me from running an old blog entry or still another report on my two rascal dogs...


I make it my business to monitor all Jeebus sightings and add my irreverent comments. Today we have JHC making an appearance in Cheetos ™ form. Once again, I repeat my contention that God, His son, and any other prophet worth their salt ain't going to lower themselves to go on the snack food circuit to feed the faith of their followers.

Besides that, how the hell do they get the idea that this particular Cheeto even remotely resembles Jesus. To me it looks like Davey Crockett shooting vermin with his flintlock. Bite off the torso, turn the snack upside down and it looks like some guy's package. Perhaps that of Davey Crockett or even Jesus himself (I assume he had one, though it's never mentioned in the Bible.)

I didn't pray for this miracle (What deity would answer such a lame-assed prayer?) , but I'll take it.

You still may be getting the animal story later this month, but for today we're covered.

I present: Cheesus

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Too many pies, not enough fingers

When the work is done and all matters requiring my attention are put to rest, then (and only then) am I able to enjoy leisure activities. The time is there, but I have so many hobbies and interests that I've only found the time for diversions rather than projects.

I present a brief list of neglected pastimes I should be enjoying.

1. Guitar - I used to play at least two hours per day. I have 2 6-string acoustics, a 12-string acoustic, a Fender Telecaster, and custom-built Fender Stratocaster. They sit in closet. I haven't touched them in months. My meager skills have no doubt eroded to the point of facing frustration if and when I resume playing.

2. Reading big books without pictures - I have about 20 unread books that I have acquired in the past 18 months. I was knocking off one a week during the winter, but I have had trouble lately deciding which one to read next. My reading time consists of magazines and newspapers. I have not been inclined to pick up a book and devote the hour or two minimum needed to achieve the continuity needed to finish. To top this off there are many titles I want to reread.

3. Games - I have a nice library of tabletop war and sports games. Some have yet to be played. The issue here is that I should have settled on one game and grasped the strategies needed to be successful. Instead, I am a novice player of a multitude of games. Finding opponents is difficult. Note to self: Do not buy any more games at Gen Con this summer.

The plan is to avoid the nickel and dime distractions and focus on one of these interests.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Kick Me

Wasted time dreaming about today's plans.

Friday, May 15, 2009

El Jaripeo

My favorite Mexican eatery is hidden far off the road in an all-but-abandoned strip mall. The exterior is not inviting to those who fear eating their burritos anywhere else but Don Pablo's or other widely advertised Mexican-themed chain restaurants. It's none too fancy inside either. The restaurant is completely staffed by Latinos, giving no comfort to xenophobes.

The place was packed tonight. El Jaripeo has a cult following among Indianapolis EastSiders. No wonder. The food is terrific, the staff is friendly, the service is top rate, and the prices are low. The fare is touted as authentic, and I have to believe it. I think some of the dishes served are on the menu for the ambivalent diners. I'm not expecting the same food one would get from a street vendor in Guadalajara, but it's about as real as it gets in Indianapolis.

I'm most impressed with the beans and the tortillas. The beans you gt here aren't the refried beans you get out of an Old El Paso can. These have flavor. I think lard is involved. Whatever the case, if they don't make them from scratch on site, I'd be shocked. Same for the tortillas. You can see the fresh scorch marks on them.

The enchiladas are excellent, but I've been going with Tacos al Pastor for the last few visits. The pork is tender, the sauce is perfect, and the side of salsa is well prepped. The salsa contains finely chopped cilantro, jalapeno pulp (not the hot seeds), tomato, onion and other goodies. I drop the taco onto the bed of rice and beans, smother it in sauce and add the salsa. I usually have a big 32 oz. Dos Equis from the tap to wash down the three generously filled tacos.

The good news is that El Jaripeo / El Rodeo has added more restaurants over the last few years. Our El Jaripeo is the original. I can't speak for the spinoffs, but if you are an eastsider and have even a drop of adventurous blood in you, and haven't eaten here . . .? What can I say?

Thursday, May 14, 2009


The truth of the matter is that I don't have a thing for today's blog. Normally that would result in no post at all, but I've challenged myself to post every day of this month. I did this in March 2008 and was successful. I am also determined to complete the 2010 min-marathon here in Indianapolis next May, but that's another story. I take these personal vows seriously.

The point being that I'm torn between putting up a crappy entry just to keep the May blog streak alive or drop out in shame. In the face of yesterday's sub standard article - which will be removed after the month is over (or revised) , I was hoping to come up with a real whiz-bang post today. This has caused me to reflect on Harrumph, Harrumph, which has served me well for the last 2 years.

Harrumph, Harrumph originated as Mr. Sparkle's Land of Enchantment. It was a real copy-cat title (Simpson's and The Great State of New Mexico) which made so sense whatsoever. The blog had no direction, but did seem to rely heavily on rants, diatribes, and grumbling. MSLOE was out. The name, Harrumph Harrumph, makes sense only if you have seen Blazing Saddles. The title is derived from the scene when Mel Brooks' character demands that his syncophat cabinet "Harrumphs" at the outrages befalling the state. I am easily outraged and the bolg almost writes itself. But wouldn't you know it, there haven't been any new petty annoyances today.

So we're going to the archives.
Five Peeves and a entry from the archives for each.

1. Classic Rock - Old farts listening to the same six songs that the did in 1975.

2. Laws made to appease fundamentalist Christans.

3. Talking Machines.

4. Prophets and Soothsayers

5. Other people's bodily fluids.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


It is unfortunately time for me to adapt to Twitter's decision to hide @replies in my conversations to people you don't follow.

Prerequisite reading:

Be it far from me to tell anyone how to benefit from their social media experience. I will tell you what I am going to do.

I'm simply going to be aware that your replies to those I don't follow will be hidden. I'll check your profile's timeline to see these replies. An inconvenience, but like many others, I've found some of my best Twitter friends from their conversations with you.

Some of my replies to you will be preceded by a ":" so others can see the exciting conversation you have started. Hopefully some of my folks can give you a follow. Consider a mention of you anywhere in the post to be a testimonial.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Indianapolis Star headline today: On Skid Roe?

The story was about caviar demand depleting population of paddlefish. This is THE headline on THE front page of a city newspaper.

Underneath that: Gambling lobby rolls dice on special session.

The Star is rife with this cutesy crap. I'm finding it harder to take them seriously. The newspaper used to be the only local respite from cotton candy news. Not anymore.

While I'm at it. I prefer to read my news when on line. The trend of having videos backing up news stories from CNN, USA Today, et al is not as journalistic, if you will. I'd rather read 15 or 20 column inches than see a talking head read sparse copy while stock footage is being shown.

Monday, May 11, 2009


I challenge anyone to get me out of today's funk. Knute Fucking Rockne couldn't light a fire under my ass. Piss on The Gipper. Put me on the bench, Coach.

Just seems I can't do anything right today . Forgetting to take wallet to the store, paper cut on hand, washing the dishes twice, spilling a diet soda, walking around Wal Mart with my fly open... It goes on and on. The world moves to the left, I go to the right. Even my Magic 8- Ball is on the fritz. I can't read the answer to "Will this get any better?" The text is obscured with bubbles and that blue inky crap.

I just know my PC will freeze before I can save this post and it will be lost forever.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Original (Part III)

I often come across a late night infomercial on my program guide called, "Is Colon Detox Hype?"

So what does this have to do with today's evaluation of the new "Star Trek" movie that I saw last night? Simple. The series of series based on the original Enterprise and its crew had degraded into a convoluted glob of space-themed stories. The Stark Trek movie provided the need colon flush. Forget about all previous prequels, sequels, retellings, future generations, past generations, nineteen different Starship Enterprises blown up, multiple variations of Klingons, and thinly stretched variations on the theme. The slate (colon) is clean. We've started over and it feels so good.

In lieu of an extended string of Twitter updates, I offer these comments:

This was the first movie that my wife and I - 1. Saw together. 2. In a theatre. 3. At full price. 4. Both enjoyed. That's saying something. We are two fiercely independent people and have different ideas of what is entertaining. We do agree on what isn't entertaining and skip most films altogether. Her last movie was "Benjamin Button", mine was "Che". She goes to movies with her friends. I go alone.

I was disappointed in the visual quality of the film. Perhaps I got the hind tit of theatres and was shown a lower quality print. It was grainy and lacked in contrast. Actually it was no better than DVD resolution. The sound was satisfactory. While not a true Trekkie, I am Mr. Picky McPickPick when it comes to all things AV. I think a second viewing at the IMax i is in order.

Best line of the movie? "Olson is...gone!"

The casting was spot on. Hopefully they inked these folks to long term contracts. They're all young and can keep this cash cow grazing for years to come. Uhura is hot. Kirk out Shatners Shatner and John "White Castle Harold" Cho is a delight as Sulu.

Pike is not nearly as jacked up as he was in the 60s version. A head on a vending machine was more amusing, I'll miss that.

Space is more realistic in this one. More science in the fiction, if you will.

Kirk makes out with a green alien. Kinky, but titillating.

The film has a sweet nature to it. I tire of the post apocalyptic, dark, Blade Runner ripoffs that abound. Lots of fighting and shit blowing up in Star Trek without the nihilism.

Did I mention that Uhura was hot?

Saturday, May 9, 2009

True Story

Once ate fortune along with cookie.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Original (Part II)

Music on my terms holds that cover songs seldom improve on the original. Most of the butchery occurs when the song is polished up for main stream consumption. This started long ago when terrific R&B and rock songs were recorded (known then as race records) and covered/stolen by by white bread artists such as Pat Boone for the tender ears of prepubescent suburbanites. Boone's cover of Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" stands along with white/colored drinking fountains as atrocities of an ugly era.

The Beatles and Rolling Stones were main offenders in the 60s with their well-intentioned, but weak tributes to American R&B and country artists. Ringo's distorted "Honey Don't" from Carl Perkins wins the grand prize.

I offer three sets of songs and covers:

1. Joan Baez, sweet as she could be at times, put so much sugar on "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" (even changed the time signature) that it came off like an improperly mixed fountain drink. No fizz. All syrup.

2. Faith Hill, as they say, did not pay her dues, that is, unless you count a rogue sequin on her jeans chaffing her thigh as suffering

3. Mr. Broadus had to have smiled at this send up of "Gin and Juice" Both versions have merit.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Original (Part I)

I mentioned yesterday that I would very much like to punch Joe Biden in the nose. I'd like to punch him so hard that his hair implants would fly around the room like the needles from a vigorously shaken, two month-old Christmas tree. That's the only reason I want to punch him; fake hair. I don't trust anyone who tries to drastically change their appearance to help advance their agenda. Sure, look your best, but don't try to deceive others.

My hair is starting to thin.
I have a receding hairline.
I'm experiencing some hair loss.
I'm damned near bald. *

Sure, hair like that of a TV Evangelist, country music star, or werewolf might be preferred, but it wasn't to be. I simply get my survivors of male pattern baldness buzzed off every few days. No problem. Like my daughter said in kindergarten when told she was printing her "e"s wrong, " If you don't like it, you don't have to look at it."

I might add, that not having to deal with a troublesome coiffure has shortened my morning regimen by 5 minutes or more.

So much for my head. I bristle at ads by Bosley, Hair Club for Men (First rule of Hair Club - There is no Hair Club), and other hair-restoring systems. The before picture has the follicle-challenged dude with a dour look on his face, unshaven, and looking a bit hung over and horny. The after picture shows presumably the same stud with a shit-eating grin on his face after his trip to a health spa and a weekend of hot sex. There also appears to be a dead badger sitting on his pate. This is no sweet deal for those who desire false hair. The remedy can cost thousands. Not to be crass... OK I am crass. But prostitutes don't charge extra for bald guys and if getting "dates" is the purpose of buying hair, then you can buy plenty dates for that price.

I submit Indiana Speaker of the House, Patrick Bauer

I can't take this guy seriously. Lose the hairpiece and I might.

* Cate style

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


I'd like to see a world much like the toon world in the old Roger Rabbit movie . The toons could take a falling anvil to the head, shake it off, and keep on going. Along with toon-like resilience for the faces of my fellow man, I additionally wish that punching was an accepted way of sending a message to those who annoy you. The recipient of a good punch could stand there with his face comically distorted and have stars circling his head for a few moments while everyone laughed at him. A yaddy yaddy later the face would pop back into place and life would go on.

On these terms, punching is funny to me. I laughed uncontrollably when Chevy Chase punched in the face of Marty Moose. When lady Twitterers threaten to punch people it's funny on so many levels. A sweet girl belting an obnoxious boss in the puss? How can I not laugh at the notion?

So given that these people's faces would pop back into place (eventually) , here is my list of
People I'd Like to Punch.

  1. Sam Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher.

  2. Howie Mandell

  3. "Doctor" Phil

  4. Seth Green

  5. Mike Pence

  6. Billy Mays

  7. Rush Limbaugh

  8. The guy two doors down from me.

  9. Miss California

  10. The lady talking about "certain part of the male anatomy" on the Extenze commercial

  11. The bearded dickhead on the Save The Children promo

  12. John Edward a.k.a "Biggest Douche in the Universe"

  13. Bob Rohrman

  14. Dick Cheney

  15. Glen Beck

  16. Jack and Rexalla Van Impe

  17. Donald Trump

  18. Paula Abdul

  19. A random AIG executive

  20. The lady ahead of me in the checkout lane.

  21. Mike Tirico

  22. Dick Bavetta

  23. Jennifer Aniston

  24. Joe Biden

  25. TBA

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


It might be a good day to show my sensitive side.
Yeah, I have one.

Stop laughing.

To counteract yesterday's pimping of "Fuck You" by Lily Allen, today I offer the song that is most capable of bringing out the few molecules of sweet that are within me.

After I listen to this song, I want to hug people, twirl around like Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music", let people cut in front of me in the checkout line, and even, uh, smile.

This isn't like that one time that a told a girlfriend that I thought her favorite love song was also my own favorite song just to advance my cause. I truly love this song. It is inspirational and, might I add, masterfully performed. I react to it like the original Mighty Joe Young reacted to "Beautiful Dreamer"

Calm the beast. Lyrics below - song on play list to the right.

A Thousand Beautiful Things - Annie Lennox

Every day I write the list
Of reasons why I still believe they do exist
(a thousand beautiful things)
And even though it's hard to see
The glass is full and not half empty
(a thousand beautiful things)
So... light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
Never close my eyes

I thank you for the air to breathe
The heart to beat
The eyes to see again
(a thousand beautiful things)
And all the things that's been and done
The battle's won
The good and bad in everyone
(this is mine to remember)
So ...
Here I go again
Singin' by your window
Pickin' up the pieces of what's left to find

The world was meant for you and me
To figure out our destiny
(a thousand beautiful things)
To live
To die
To breathe
To sleep
To try to make your life complete
(yes yes)
So ...
Light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
never close my eyes ...
That is everything I have to say
(that's all I have to say)

Monday, May 4, 2009


Can't jabber enough about the song "Fuck You" by Lily Allen. Before you go Victorian on my ass or think this is one of those rowdy and ribald bar classics like "Piss Up a Rope" and click off this page...

Lily Allen, in her sweet style, takes down the mean and ignorant who plague this planet. Besides the wonderful lyrics , it's a perky little tune that you can hum all day. You can go to playlist on the right to hear it.

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
and look a bit harder
cause we’re so uninspired
so sick and tired
of all the hatred you harbor

so you say it’s not okay to be gay
well I think you’re just evil
you’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces
you’re point of view is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch

fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause your words don’t translate
and it’s getting quite late
so please don’t stay in touch

do you get, do you get a little kick out of being small-minded?
you want to be like your father
it’s approval you’re after
well that’s not how you’ll find it

do you, do you really enjoy living a life that’s so hateful
cause there’s a hole where your soul should be
you’re losing control of it
and it’s really distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause your words don’t translate
and it’s getting quite late
so please don’t stay in touch

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
and look a bit harder
cause we’re so uninspired
so sick and tired
of all the hatred you harbor

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause your words don’t translate
and it’s getting quite late
so please don’t stay in touch

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Anyone who has worked in an elementary school will tell you that Article IX, Section 17b of the school discipline code strictly prohibits gum and / or candy in the classroom. My days enforcing this law has at least given me a leg up on my training for a position in the DEA.
At the top of the Pyramid of Illegal Sweets was an apparently highly addictive mixture of sugar and chemistry's greatest bloopers, Now and Later candy. It was distributed by the local Village Pantry. Children lined up outside the store each morning to get their daily fix. Tons of it found its way into the school building, yet only a small portion of the trafficked substance was ever confiscated.

The watermelon flavor could be sniffed out from yards away and the tell-tale, green colored tongue from the apple-flavored squares provided damning evidence that a Now and Later had been eaten. A bust might take 3 or 4 squares off the streets, but seldom was a full unopened "stick" retired from circulation.

An unusual circumstance arose when a student claimed the Now and Laters (banana) in his lunch box were actually his dessert. I wanted to see for myself what these things tasted like, so I gave the kid a pass under the condition that I could have one of his squares. I can best describe the experience as unforgettable.

Initially, a Now and Later has the texture of hard chalk. You have to work it hard to get it into a semi chewy state before the taste is evident. I tasted no real banana, although the yellow color and a hint off banana smell, like that from a scratch and sniff book, provided enough to classify the flavor as banana. The beauty of the Now and Later from a kid's perspective is that you can chomp it up for quick consumption, or you can go the snuff route and park it your mouth for a long-lasting sugar drip.

The slogan on the wrapper said "Eat Some Now. Save Some for Later." I did not dare read the list of ingredients. But for the record:

INGREDIENTS: Corn Syrup, Sugar, Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Citric Acid, Egg Whites, Salt, Potato Starch, Artificial Flavor, Emulsifiers (Soy Lecithin), Artificial Color (Red #40, Yellow #5, Blue #1, Blue #2

I haven't had one since.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Six Word Saturday

Pork each day keeps A/H1N1 away!


I still laugh at that old cartoon gag where a fellow is served tea and the waiter asks "One lump or two?". The patron asks for two lumps of sugar and is bopped twice on the head with a hammer, raising two large lumps.

The diner deserves the punishment. Who in their right mind would sweeten their tea? The ethereal flavor of tea is negated by loading it up with sugar. I tastes like sugared well water. It is beyond nasty.

I didn't drink tea regularly until was well into adulthood Half of my family has southern roots and by custom, iced tea comes pre sugared when served by these folks. I'd gag on the crap and quickly learned to ask for water as my drink. It wasn't until much later when I was at a bar and grill watching a ball game and low on cash. I ordered iced tea. Refills were free. I thought I'd give tea another go at that price. I hesitantly took a sip and... another sip... a taste... a gulp... a slug... Where have you been all my life, you wonderful beverage?

I later confronted my parents about not introducing my to tea as it should be. Mom said, "We don't put sugar in tea anymore. Want some?"

I almost showered the kitchen after my first gulp. Gak! The tea was presweetened with Equal. Debate on the issue was pointless. If you knew my Mom, debate on anything was pointless with her.

I enjoy tea, hot or with ice. Green tea is my particular favorite. I have no fear of being bonked with a giant rubber hammer when asked how many lumps I want.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Back In The Saddle Again

May 1, 2009. Either it's the first day of the rest of my life, or as I suspect, just another full spin of the planet and its passengers. Whatever the case, this is THE day.

This very blog has fallen on hard times. Like a skilled fighter pilot, I have learned that short bursts from the machine gun are more effective than blasting away with a shower of ordnance. I've been venting (Man, did this word get old fast.) in short bursts on Twitter (@trmink). Without the regular need for rants, tirades, and laying massive snark bombs, Harrumph Harrumph has been of little use.

NaBoPloMo has presented the challenge of blogging every day in May with entries centered around the theme, "Sweet". I figure if I can discipline my crabby ass into being sweet for the long effing month of May, some of the other neglected interests in my life will begin to reboot and go back on line. If this happens it will be a sweet deal for everyone around here.