Thursday, November 29, 2007

On the other hand...

Last night's mini rant stands. There are plenty of annoyances associated with the holiday season and soundtracks to Christmas commercials may lead the way. I retract nothing.

"OK then, Mr. Grouchy Man", you ask, "Is there anything you actually like about the ever lengthening and overbearing season?"

Sure. Plenty of things:

  • I like watching the little kids getting geeked up over Santa.

  • I like the smell of cookies baking on December 24.

  • Midnight mass in an old, big church

  • A drink of whiskey with the men.

  • Candles.

  • Over-the-top decorations on houses.

  • Watching the 1950 version of "A Christmas Carol" - Same for "A Christmas Story"

  • Santa riding the Norelco razor.
  • Large family gatherings.

It's all good. But not in November!

It's a Freakin' Miracle!

Ahhhhahhh. Tinkle. Tinkle. Ding Dong. Wooooewww. Ahhhhh.

Yep. It's that wondrous. glorious. miraculous mystical. magical, enchanting, touching, and joyous music that is played constantly throughout the holiday season. You know what I'm talking about. Little elves scurrying around when the Mrs. gets some 10K diamond necklace from her guilt-ridden-cheating-husband, or when Santa lays a Lexus under the Christmas tree, that's when you hear the music. The choir, bells, sappy strings...

...annoys the living shit out of me.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Well kiss my shiny metal ass!

Yes I do have something else.

I may be the last to know, but I found out that Futurama is coming back. They say it will be on Comedy Central and prereleased on a series of direct-to-DVD movies.

I didn't watch it much during it's original run on Fox, but I have it scheduled for the DVR every night off [adult swim]. I have to say, if it has a cult following, I'm in the cult. In turn I consider Bender to be my spiritual leader.

I shouldn't laugh, but...

I spotted the news article about insurgents posing as bride and groom in order to elude the authorities. Life imitates art here. In Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Pee Wee successfully disguises himself as a young bride to get his convict friend past a roadblock. Funnier still if the Iraqis involved in the incident got the idea from the movie. Funny at least because the "bride" in the news story is pretty damned ugly. Pee Wee was much more convincing. If you are not schooled in the world of Pee Wee Herman, well, sorry,

Let's see if I have anything else...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Newton's First Law

1967: Four television channels and you had to get up and turn the knob.

2007 - Scores of channels and remotes for everything. Even so, there's nothing of interest to view so I decide to watch a DVD. That is, until I realize that I have to get up and physically put the DVD in the machine. Too much trouble. No DVD tonight.

Did old, fat, and lazy people change channels very often 40 years ago?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Death By Randy

Office Depot.

I've been in the store three days running. It was ample time to realize that the employees of Office Depot are being tortured.

Bachman-Turner Overdrive's "Taking Care of Business" was blaring over the tinny Office Depot P.A. system. No big deal. Most places anymore blare such ditties. It is widely held that every white guy over 50 likes classic rock and only the 8 or 9 songs that have been playing on classic rock stations for 30-plus years. Count me out. Put me in the I-was-tired-of-theses-songs-after-the-first-one-hundred-times-I heard-them category.

So, I'm contemplating what label-printer to purchase and BTO is on again. They didn't even cycle through Styx, Kansas, or Bob Seeger. Then they cut TCB short. Thank God! Maybe the day manager is taking his cassette (or eight-track) home.

The next day, there it is again. Randy Bachman and his boys sing a bar or two up until just before the "working overtime" part of the song. The checkout line is long on this day and 10 minutes later, some female voice does some blah-blah-blah and then more "takin' care of biz - ness (everday) - takin' care..." Holy shit! They run this every ten minutes ALL DAY LONG!" How can they do this to these poor people? They're going to have to lock down all the scissors, paper cutters, shredders, letter openers, and the more powerful staplers. Someone is going to snap.

This isn't the first time Bachman-Turner Overdrive has been used as a torture device. In Las Vegas, the pit with the "Let It Ride"table game , plays BTO's song of the same name with the same regularity. Vegas is a 24 hour operation. Hopefully the union doesn't allow double shifts in that area.

The next time I go in to Office Depot, I'm taking ear protection.

related entry

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Your kind isn't welcome here..

Man. Have I received some downright dirty looks at Micheal's, Jo Ann Fabrics and Hobby Lobby from some of the customers lately. In pursuit of materials suitable for putting together my "boats" game, I have wandered into these joints looking for such things as vinyl, doll house parts, sewing boxes, and any other item that can be used in making and managing my own game components. That's why I'm there.

Why the bad vibes? The clerks treat me very well because I don't chat for 20 minutes about how my centerpiece will look, or ask about the allergens in the Styrofoam Christmas reef bases. No, if I find what I want, I have payment ready, and am gone quicker than Keyzer Sose.

Maybe it's the fact that a man is on the loose without his wife keeping him in tow, or maybe its because I'm invading some kind of private club. I certainly don't try to sneak a peak through any of the sweatshirts with turkey appliques and embroidered pilgrims all over them to catch a breast shot.

I have started giving the icy stare right back, as if to say, "I feel sorry for your husband, the poor sonofabitch."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Instant Humor

Want to make me laugh?
It's easy. All you need to know are:

"__on wheels"

I laughed out loud last night when I saw "Werewolves On Wheels" was playing on MonsterVision. Just put anything on wheels and I'll at least grin. Golden Retrievers on wheels, Dumbasses on wheels, Republicans on wheels. Simple, isn't it?

Then there's brickhead, shithead, cheesehead, fathead, doghead ......

If you want me to lose bladder control due to laughing, roll out Gilbert Gottfried.
Stop it, you're killing me.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Now you see them.....

Recognize this guy? No? Maybe you're not a fan of junk science shows that run on Discovery Channel and the like. This fellow is Stanton T. Friedman. He only shows up on programs dealing with UFOs. He's the house expert that rehashes his conjectures about alien visitors on seemingly every show.

You never see him otherwise. He's like eggnog. Ever see eggnog in July? Didn't think so. Friedman seem to be put into storage until the next UFO show is aired.

There's plenty of Friedmans. Don King must be packed away in a Las Vegas warehouse until he is needed in the boxing ring to wave his little American flags around. The Detroit Lions only seem to exist as a participant in Thanksgiving's early game. Marcia Clark is always standing by in case there are O.J. troubles.

Just thought I'd point this out.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Now I AM offended!

In my youth, the fallout from the Victorian age and the iron hand of Pop Pius XII prevailed. Those are the days when Lucy and Desi slept in twin beds (Smoked unfiltered Phillip Morrises nonstop, though.) Roy Rogers wouldn't say shit or crap even if he stepped in a pile of Trigger poop. and kissing on the first date was thought by some to be pushing the envelope.

Despite these mores, folks still managed to pass gas with pretty much the same regularity as today. Trouble was , we couldn't call them farts. Everyone had to bend over backwards to come up with a polite term for an impolite event. My parents decided they should be called "stinkers". What!? That's worse than fart. Fart is a nonsense syllable that makes no mistake about what has happened. Stinker, on the other hand, not only implies that the particular cheese cutting has an offensive odor, but, in my opinion, adds a bit of vulgarity to the situation. I point this out as case where the substituted word or phrase is more offensive than the one it replaces.

I find this to be true today of "N-Word". When someone says "N-Word", does anyone have to scratch their head before determining what the N-Word is? The connection is made at once and the real N-Word is processed immediately and contemplated. "N-Word" has to go too. It's a real stinker.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

It's Uncle Fred's Favorite Place

Sarah, Brenden, and I were making fun of the people of Indianapolis and their concept of Chinese food. Mind you, we probably would be made fun of by some for our limited exposure to Food of the World, but we are giants among midgets in this land.

The locally popular Chinese buffets that go by the names like "8 Lucky Buffet" serve up the most unimaginative oriental-themed dishes since La Choy. Every one of these establishments seem to be the same. This leads me to believe that the food is the same and is distributed from some central location.

Pictured is a Sesame Chicken delivery at one of the Chinese buffets.