Thursday, July 31, 2008

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Jesus Kitty

OMG! Jesus appears in Indiana. srsly.

I think the image on the kitten's fur looks more like a baboon than Our Saviour. Then there's the side issue that the black cat is deemed the evil one, while the tabby is the angel. Al Sharpton should have a field day with this one.

I'm not one to question Teh Ceiling Cat's m.o., but maybe the next time a sign from above is sent, the courtesy of captioning the picture would help us sort out the situation. The implication that Jeebus resembles an ape must be troubling to creationists.


Tuesday, July 29, 2008


I was going to go off on still another shitty driver with the Indiana "In God We Trust" plates, but I better put my stone away.

I come across a barricade that says ROAD CLOSED. But hey!, some other guy has wended through the obstacles and is cruising freely toward the next major intersection. Three more cars follow. So do I. Great move! We go merrily along about a mile down the road and abruptly; well, there is no road. A dead end if I've ever seen one. I'm one on 12 or 13 drivers turning around and backtracking the mile to the clearly marked warning sign. As I was getting back to where I started even more cards are headed toward the end of the trail.

Despite my bad call on the closed road, the fur on my back is still standing up over the antics of the driver of one of of the many Jesusmobiles in these parts. The two lane switch without turn signal and the abrupt stop right in front of me before sidling into Wal-Mart was a sight to behold. Plastered on the back of this rolling menace was a bevy of trite ribbons and the mother of all stupid bumper stickers: My Boss was a Jewish Carpenter. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I don't even want to get into the absurdity of the statement, let alone the thought that somehow this message is going to "save" me or anyone else.

Go ahead and laugh at me. I deserve it after my smooth move. But I didn't besmirch Jesus's name in the process.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Evicted from my TV.

Project Runway squares off against Big Brother 10 on Wednesdays. These are the only two reality shows I watch.

But what if I didn't have a DVR and / or Project Runway didn't repeat during the week? I have to say is that Big Brother 10 would be "out". As it is now, I fast forward through most of it and may drop it competely from the schedule.

The Project Runway competition is more intense than that of most sporting events. At least to win you have to do something. Eccentricities aside, it is refreshing to see people taking pride in their work. They are not only skilled in their craft, but are creative and labor hard under difficult circumstances.

The current Big Brother contestants are a collection of neurotic simpletons. The last collection wasn't any treat either. The house guests are reminiscent of the ensemble cast that hung around Crystal Lake until Jason Vorhees arrived.

Then there's the matter of Julie Chen vs. Heidi Klum.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Chapeau Velu

This hat has a history. It finds its way onto Harrumph Harrumph today.

The hat was won by the fellow in seat 10 at The Argosy Poker Room. He had a straight flush - thus the reward. He put it on top of the hat he already was wearing and played on. After a few hands of bad play / luck, he was out of chips and was getting up to leave. "Well", I said, "At least you have the hat. "

He just said, "Here, take it." Perhaps it was cursed. I put it on and my luck seemed to have improved.

I wore it last week's poker club and found that the mojo had been used up. It was tossed in my back seat. I decided to see if Ron, he of a great hat collection, wanted it. He did.

We took the doggies in for a bath today. It seems that Smooch was sitting on the hat. Note the hair. I was going to present it in its pictured state, but decided to photograph it first. It has since been stripped of the blond Smooch hairs and is ready for delivery.

Monday, July 21, 2008

They even showed it!

That's what I heard as a kid whenever one of the gang saw the latest horror movie and gave us the first detailed review. "This man got stabbed in the neck and the knife came out on the other side of his neck, and they even showed it."

What won't they show these days? Between an episode of Law and Order and a couple family photos that I was invited to look at, I was treated in the last 24 hours to sights usually reserved for the Mutter Museum.

Law and Order had a couple of over-ripened corpses. Patti's friend had us take a gander at her GI snapshots, and my father-in-law wound up on Patti's camera sans teeth.

They showed it alright. Ugh.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


I hope there's a good fight on TV tonight. I'm in the mood for a couple of tough lightweights poundinng on each other for 12 rounds.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

The Pirates and the Cardinals were locked up in a classic. I estimated the final score to be 29-29. No runners were left on base and everyone went 3 for 3. The players left it all on the field and were spent.

It was, as you may suspect, a Tee-ball game for preschoolers. My twin nieces play for the Pirates and we were invited down to see them in action. They didn't disappoint. They both made contact off pitched balls and didn't always require the tee. They pounced on a couple of batted balls in the field and got off strong throws to first. They were demons on the base paths. I'm told they're improving with each game. They really like their new mitts - so much that they have to be reminded to take them off when batting. Other than leaving the field while on defense to have a word with Mom, they have a pretty good grasp of the sport.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I'm TRYING to use the PHONE!

I blundered my way into a new wireless phone by losing my old one. The new one has more features on it and as I read the instructions, I'm more inclined to make use of them.

The camera is of good enough quality that the pictures are certainly suitable for posting online. (see Bosco and Smooch from the other day. Those are camera pix.) The video is reasonably good too. I was able to transfer wav files from my computer via USB to the new phone for use as ring tones. So what else? Texting. I don't have a data plan, but I finally "get" what texting is all about. Half my e-mails could be handled by a text message as well as the many lame voice messages I leave around. And nothing hurts me more than talking on a mobile phone in a public place. I want to punch myself. A discreet text message would work better in most cases.

What took me so long?

If only PeeWee had this. He wouldn't have been in trouble with the Satan's Helpers gang.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Quotable but not Notable

  1. "Oak's nice."
  2. "There it is."
  3. "Smith has tits."
  4. "Orca fat"
  5. "I'm . . . thinking."
  6. "Gorilla math"
  7. "Do they have good Italian food here?"
  8. "We have reserves."

  1. Pulp Fiction
  2. Amadeus
  3. Yellowbeard
  4. The Usual Suspects
  5. A Christmas Story
  6. Rounders
  7. The Godfather
  8. Braveheart

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Dog Fight

My doggies let loose with a week's worth of frustration with an extended battle. On Thursday the dogs went to visit Charlotte's while our house was being sprayed for ants. Then they were home alone most of Friday and Saturday. Then Wendy The Gigantic Dog paid a visit last night. Wendy just has to walk around and our little 17-pounders are frozen with fear. That must have sealed the deal. After Wendy went home the conversation must have been something like this:

Bosco: I should have bit her. She was sniffing my toys and got some of our treats.
Smooch: Well, why didn't you, tough guy?
Bosco: I dunno. It didn't occur to me at the time.
Smooch: Wimp. At least I barked at her any told her to watch her ass.
Bosco: Like that really scared her.
Smooch: You just jumped on Uncle Tom's lap and cowered. At least I tried.
Bosco: No way. I was just waiting for an opening.
Smooch: Fraidy cat.
Bosco: I'll give you fraidy cat ...

The fight wasn't particular vicious. It didn't start until 2:00 a.m. but the running battle lasted nearly 45 minutes. The combat was paw-to-paw, and muzzle-to-muzzle until Bosco nipped Smooch and a long wild chase ensued. Bosco routed her until he missed on a flying butt-first leap at Smoochie. Then Smooch became the hunter. She caught up with him and gave BB's neck a good chewing. The stronger Bosco worked loose and forced her to retreat under the skirted ottoman. Bosco took a tall drink of water and went to bed. Smooch came out after a few minutes, and finished off the rest of the water and all the kibble.

They both slept in until noon.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Birthday Singers

My grumpiness has been caused by my birthday. "How's that?", you say. Let me explain. I don't care about my birthday. A simple "Happy Birthday" from close friends and family will suffice. Please do not throw a party in my honor. Please, no gifts. Calling me "Birthday Boy" is tantamount to scraping your nails on a chalkboard as far as my ears are concerned.

Well, my dear Patti doesn't see things that way. Each year she asks what I want for my birthday. I say, "Nothing. .... and I mean it. Nothing." This displeases her. She persists. It's a negotiation. She shoots for a coronation ball. I draw the line at something simple like her cooking me breakfast. I face the day hoping that there is no surprise party or any other public acknowledgement of this most ferial of days.

Early on, I had my guard down. Sarah and I were treated to joint dinner at a chain restaurant. Sarah's birthday is 2 days off and she is of similar mind on the subject. Well -Just Sarah, Patti, and I. No cause for alarm. Suddenly, a band of smiling idiots invade our space with a vociferous birthday jingle and a free dessert. I tried to be tough, but I almost cried out in pain. Sarah may have cried too. Poor Patti. The birthday singers did not please us, but she didn't know better at the time. The only answer we could offer was a gracious "Thank You", with a strongly stated caveat that never again will birthday singers be summoned.

I keep telling Patti that she makes every day special and the extra birthday trappings are unnecessary. It does no good. I must come up with a strong enough birthday wish each year that will make her believe she has done enough.

Birthday singers are lurking. The pressure is on me. I dread the day. I get grumpy.

This year I got off with a chocolate cake, three books, and a nice subdued visit from my nieces. Now that wasn't so bad, was it?

No, not at all.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Grvmpvs Maximvs

I've been leading a charmed life for at least the last few weeks. Today is no different. Outside of a few small issues that were disposed of in short order - a perfect day.

Maybe because I have things under control, I'm starting disdain those who don't. For whatever reason, I'm in no mood for whatever I come across. I've been grumpy all day.

Someone up the road has been trying to sell a motorcycle for the past week. At first the cycle was sitting be the road with a cardboard sign that said $8000. I thought that the bike would be stolen and certainly nobody is going to respond to the crude and uninformative sign. OK. So then for the next few days, the sign was there, but no bike. See? I told you so ! Stolen. Today the motorcycle is back and the sign says $8000. Same message - only retraced with a marker to make the same message darker. This set me off. What an idiot! Is darkening up the lettering going to really help? Same price, same bike, same shitty sign.

Sam's Club. They had Microsoft Office 2007 on sale for $98. I had to take the box up to the customer service counter to get the actual product. At the entrance to the line a sign proclaimed. Exchange's, Return's, Refund's, Memberships's - "The line starts here!!!! If there's anything that brings out the grammar gestapo in me it is multiple exclamation points. This was icing on the cake after suffering through the misused apostrophes in pluralized words.

Office Depot's coupons are worthless. The qualifying products amount pretty much to a case of their brand of copy paper.

The car wash line was too long. Two cars would have been ahead of me. I planned on driving right through. This is why I went on a Wednesday afternoon at 2:00 with a chance of rain in the forecast. Two cars! I passed. I cringed thinking about the attendant asking me if I wanted to upgrade my coupon.

We went out for Chinese food at our favorite small and quiet place. I found annoyances everywhere. From the lady at the other table trying to figure out what condiments she wanted, to a carry-out customer asking the proprietor if he was Chinese. I was in a let's-eat-up-and-go-home frame of mind.

I feel your pain, Oscar.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

What else could I ask for?

Another great Independence Day holiday weekend. It included a winning day at the casino's poker tables, two great games of BattleLore with Pat(rick), a nice visit to the in-laws and a fun Friday night with friends. I am still mildly disappointed.

Damn! No coneys from Skyline Chili. The Argosy Casino is near the home of Skyline's Cincinnati home. We passed two of their stores on the way. I had my heart set on grabbing three or four of these tasty little dogs tonight, but was told that the local restaurant had gone out, No! Maybe it's just a rumor. Anyway the road to it is so torn up and the traffic is so nasty, it isn't worth the trip on a Sunday night with a full tummy to investigate.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Thank you, Shrek.

Others have failed in the attempt to get my tired, old, fat ass some exercise.

Shrek and Donkey have succeeded with their Be a player. Get out and play an hour a day. campaign. It is motivating. Excercise looks like fun. You won't see me on the Jungle Gym in the park but I will continue parking in the hinterlands or walking my lazy dogs. I feel better already.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A Pledge Pin? On Your Uniform!

In the face of my hopes and dreams, the 2008 presidential campaigns have switched the focus from real issues to religion and patriotism. The thing that pisses me off the most is the polemic that has arisen over the wearing of an American flag pin. To prove to the nation that one is a patriot, punching a hole in your tailored suit and displaying a tacky flag (not unlike the ones sold by down and out winos / vets that meander through the city) is supposedly required. I'm pissed that Obama has caved in to the pressure and has started wearing one.

I'm also pissed that folks are cajoled into displaying ribbons for every "good cause" that comes around. It's not that I'm against these notions, I just don't care to to be demonstrative about my political, social, and spiritual fancies. I sure as hell resent any idea that I am somehow less caring because I don't display these stinkin' badges of yours.