Late Night Sniping.

Vince on the ShamWow! commercial has a seriously jacked-up right eye. Of course, I laugh at him (He chose to be on TV) . It looks like he was looking through a keyhole and something startled him and subsequentually locked his face in its current configuration. The headset only adds to the comedy. ShamWow looks like it's just a small and cheap chamois. SHAM wow. is right.

Then there's Robert Wagner and his "Reverse Mortgage". I've got a hair up my ass over the ad anyway because they think that senior citizens are stupid enough to trust Wagner with their finances because he is, 1. old, 2. has acting credentials, and 3. is standing by a vintage automobile. A reverse mortgage cannot be good. Giving away your house is never a good idea. Want a reverse mortgage? Turn around."

BowFlex scares me. I can see the apparatus malfunctioning and flinging the user through the ceiling. In just 60 days .... It will be packed in the garage.

That crazylikeafox puppet fox frosts my ass too. He's loud and obnoxious. His computer still has a CRT. A woman made $5000 yesterday from his scheme and hinted that she used it on a down payment for a time share. The corpulent Brother made $1,000,000. Of course, little or no work was involved. I know what that fox is stuffed with.

OK - here's eye boy, Vince.

Hah Hah, Hitler!

Thanks to DVR technology I was able to watch the funniest 3 or 4 seconds of video ever - over and over and over.

It's from a History Channel show about booby traps. The situation is this. A Nazi soldier sits down to start his motorcycle and a small explosion goes off under his butt. The frame of the bike is blown downward and the trooper goes flying off the seat,undoubtedly without vital personal equipment.

Hilarious. I'm going to watch it again tonight.

Read my lips.

Add dubbed English to my list of sure ways to ruin a movie. If the film is in a foreign language then use subtitles and even then, allow the user to turn the text off. I saw a Godzilla flick that was in Japanese and did not have subtitles. There isn't that much dialogue necessary in these epics, so it was a pleasure to see the film in its original format. This was much better than the horrid "Rook, Godzirra!" dialogue.

This issue came to mind, because I saw the complete version of Das Boot for sale at Best Buy. The 5 hour version was in wide screen and had the German with subtitles. Too bad it was $35.00 and not the $5.99 price of the dubbed-in, shorty version,

Lighten Up, Francis

You knew the jokes about Pope Benedict saying Mass in Yankee Stadium had to pop up. Sure enough. Jon Stewart had a picture of Manny Ramirez coming at the Pope with high spikes. Best of all, though, was Billy Crystal's remark that Yankee Stadium was sold out for the Mass. He added. "it must have been bobble head day".

Some, however, were probably "deeply offended" by these jokes. Beats the hell out of me as to why.

Which brings up the question. Did Jesus ever smile? Did he ever laugh? If so, what were his favorite jokes? He had to have laughed on occasion. Maybe he opened up the sermon on the mount with a humorous anecdote? The bible isn't that clear on the matter. (as far as I know)

This leads me to believe that Pope Benedict, while dead-ass serious about his message to Americans, probably enjoys a little humor now and then.

I hope so.

Love Song

What's up with this girl's head and shoulders? srsly

Is Lawrence Welk still on?

Nothing is going on tonight and we don't want to be stuck in the house all weekend.

The last few Saturday nights have been action-packed, which makes this evening conspicuously quiet. Right now, the agenda consists of picking up the pizza and then going shopping with no mad money or any idea of what to buy even if we did have excess funds.

We just recanted and decided that buying the garage sale items of the future is a bad plan.

Maybe somethig will come to mind while I am picking up tonight's dinner.

Flashback to 1959

It's Friday.
The Pope is here.
A disturbing thought caused me to shudder.
Fish sticks.

Cornhole

I played this sport for the first time last night. It may be one of the few athletic endeavors in which I can regularly beat on 25 year-olds. As a former slow pitch softball hurler, I picked up the game rather quickly. I did well.

Cornhole involves beanbags. It is not butt related.

Dialogue from a W.C. Fields movie comes to mind.

Girl: The only game I ever played was beanbag.
W. C. Fields: Beanbag? Ah, very good; it becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris. Many people were killed.

Stock Footage

There is a dearth of film to show on World War II documentaries on the History and Military Channels. The library is stretched thin in a two-hour show.

I must have seen that pock-faced German paratrooper grinning it up after every Axis victory. Hitler is always walking the grounds at his mountain retreat. The Frazier (DD-607) apparently was present for all major Pacific campaigns.

The computer graphics on newer offerings (Battle 360, Dogfights) has helped tremendously. Depending less on filler for the narration, the right ships and planes are at the right battles. The film and graphics are blended so well that you hardly notice the transition after a few minutes. Battle 360 is not to be missed on Friday nights.

Ye of Little Faith

Not to be outdone by Pope Benedict, Jesus kicked off his 2008 World Tour with an appearance on a mirror in Orlando, Florida.

As far as His other appearances on tortillas, stained floors and various doors go, this one isn't bad. It's somewhere between a Magic Eye poster and a blurred photo in terms of me focusing on the image. Even so, "Jesus" appears to be bald and might actually look more like Muhammad. The apparition is certainly suggestive of Howie Mandel.

I'm not here to quibble about what's in the mirror. I am here to question why some folks are willing to sell Jesus short by believing that He has anything to do with these low budget miracles. Appearing on a mirror should be beneath him. It would be like Billy Graham appearing on the Home Shopping Network, but exponentially more indignant. Jesus is the man who rose from the dead, not a hack illusionist. Reassurance from a reflection on an Orlando hospital glass is hardly necessary for the truly faithful.

The cost of "stuff"

I had to get behind the big TV and stereo today. While I was at it, I deep cleaned the bookcases (including tops), and other peripherals such as speakers. Damn! I couldn't believe the dust I pulled out of there.

This stimulated a chain of thought that grounded itself on the notion that there is a cost for just having physical goods. For starters, just figure out the cubic feet in your house and math it up with the cost of your house per year. Then add in the maintenance cost just to keep the stuff from deteriorating or keeping it looking nice. Having to move it or step over it to get to something else makes it an even more voracious consumer of time / money.

I take a hedonistic approach toward objects. In terms of storage and maintenance costs, it better be bringing me more joy than travail or it's out the door.

The Complete Package: Todd Coffey

Coffey, pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds, has an odd component of his prepitch ritual. He grabs a handful of manhood with his right hand and gives it an upward tug and a good luck squeeze. You supply the jokes. I'm just pointing it out.

..and Rats! The Yankees and Red Sox are on the Sunday night game. I think they play each other every day and all games are nationally televised.

Watching baseball was about all I could do after last night's meal at Brenden's birthday bash. Beer, pretzels, wurst, and Black Forest cake. I waddled to the car. I couldn't move all evening. ... I'm still not hungry. Check out my dinner in the picture.

Lost Their Way

Ever try to get a weather report on The Weather Channel? A music video (or music in any form) on MTV? News on CNN Headline News? A theatrical movie on HBO?

Now the History Channel is eroding. What do guys chopping down trees have to do with history?

TNN and Outdoor Channel have already lost their focus and disappeared.

Soon all 64 buttzillion channels on satellite and cable will be nothing but infomercials, reruns, and reality shows. Let's cut it back to 20 or 30 good channels that deliver what they promise.

Old Timer Talk

I came across the word milquetoast yesterday.
I haven't heard it used very much lately. Great word.

Many words and phrases that were staples of my vocabulary are being shoved aside in favor of shorter and more encompassing utterances. Wimp in this case.

There are plenty of older words that need to be rediscovered:

addled
beckon
dearth
doff
mettle
erstwhile

I'm not the only one

Others must have been confused about the headline on CNN.com yesterday. It actually read, "Beheading victim asked for help." Today it reads, "Beheading victim asked for help before his death." I could have been just as confused if I accurately read "asked" instead of "asks." No, the victim did not ask for "a little help" in getting his head back on his shoulders. Instead, it may have been misconstrued that others sought his assistance despite his compromised health.

I once ranted about being maimed in the act of opening a package. A move is afoot to eliminate the impenetrable hard plastic shells that seal merchandise such as electronic components. The big issue is the environmental hazard but others apparently have been harmed.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission estimated that there were some 6,500 emergency room visits related to plastic packaging in 2004.

My concerns have been validated. Good.

Talking Head (s)

It's tough to read off a computer screen with bifocals.

I misread a CNN headline as
"Beheading victim asks for help"

P.S.

Patti noted the following about St. Denis

According to the Golden Legend, after his head was chopped off, Denis picked it up and walked two miles, preaching a sermon the entire way

She said it in such a nonchalant manner as if this kind of thing is hardly noteworthy.

P.S. 2

Now I investigate this St. Denis and find out he is the Patron Saint of Headaches.

Four Days of Food

For the low, low price of $8.29, the whole pork loin I bought on Saturday is still going strong.

Day 1
Pork Chops - Just slice off a few pieces of the chunk o' pork and voila! boneless and lean loin chops.
Day 2
Sir Fry - Trim off a little more and the you're in business.
Day 3
The Roast - Marinate in a a freezer bag - 400 degree oven for an hour.
Day 4 (today)
Manhattans - Left over roast sliced thin and combined with a jar of Heinz gravy over Potato Buds - mmm processed.

O Lordy, I got dem, I got dem taxation blues

I just finished a long day doing income taxes. I'm satisfied because they are finally done, I'm unhappy (as always) at the amount of hard-earned money I give the politicians to waste. I'm mentally drained. I don't give a shit about anything.

So I was thinking that posting something sanguine might cheer up my fellow citizens and me. Couldn't think of one positive thing. I'm a real Eeyore tonight. But I refuse to mope around and stink up the household. Damn the IRS!

So here's the plan. Jack Daniels and a play list of tunes devoted to the forlorn.

1. Waiting 'Round To Die - Townes Van Zandt
2. Damn Right I Got the Blues - Buddy Guy
3. Life in Prison - The Byrds
4. Lord Help The Poor and Needy - Cat Power
5. Mercy, Mercy - Don Covay
6. Nothin' - Lucinda Williams
7. Drown in My Own Tears - Ray Charles
8 Time to Go Inward - Rodney Crowell

Leave me be. I'll be better tomorrow.

One More Hurdle

I can't enjoy spring until I file my taxes. Why didn't I spend those gray and cold days last week preparing them? Now it's 70 degrees and sunny. I'm chained to the PC watching the dogs frolic in the sunshine.

Remind me to retrieve this post next January.

Shredder Wars

Nothing more exhilarating than inserting an unopened credit card offer into the shredder. That's why I paid extra for my heavy duty model. This must also be why credit card companies have taken countermeasures.

About 1/3 of the offers include a dummy credit card or other extra thick materials that make them tough to shred. Sometimes my juggernaut of a shredder is stopped cold. The extra step of pulling out the thick inserts is needed before the materials are chewed into little bits.

But it wasn't a credit offer that went to great lengths to prevent a one-pass annihilation. It was some cancer-related charity that not only packed the envelope with stickers and return address labels, but stuffed a real nickel into the mix. Nickels are not good for shredders. This is getting nasty.

My shredder is worth many nickels. Luckily I pulled out the money and the stickers before cross-cutting the rest of the materials. This matters not. I'm going to strike back. It's on.

Planet of the Apes

I once saw all 5 Planet of the Apes movies in a row at an all-night drive-in theatre. Ape immersion is something everyone should experience once. The movies are being shown in HD on Dish this week.

This is also an excuse to post a video. Gottfried and Apes - right up my alley.

History

Get this. The screaming blurb proclaimed that "History would be made" on Deal or No Deal.

History. History? History! History is people huddled around the radio listening to FDR. Not something involving Howie "Fucking" Mandel and his lame-assed, blaring, game show.

While I'm on the subject, why do people insist on speaking of past history. Doesn't something have to happen before it becomes history? That would, barring some strange disruption in the cosmos, put all history in the past.

First Sign of Spring

The lawn does not green up all of a sudden each spring . The week before grass is a poppin' everywhere, little tufts of growth appear sporadically among the brown.

Like pushpins on a Google map, these islands of green mark the spots that my dogs have "been" during the winter.

If I can just get them to be more methodical in their fertilizing efforts, I could save $$$$ on lawn care products.

Coming Clean II

Now that the situation probably won't present itself again, and I feel a teeny-weeny amount of remorse about it, I must admit:

Before the days of cell phones and GPS systems, I'd often stop at a phone booth (Do they still have these?) to check the directory for whatever information I needed. If I found what I was looking for, I'd rip the page out of the book, rather than write it down.

There, I've said it.

I did this today to my own yellow pages at home, because I was without pen and too lazy to get the book out again and look up the number. That's when I realized that this behavior could annoy my fellow man.

I learned something new.

Tsingato Beer. That Chinese stuff. It has German roots. Seems that Germany had a port and started a brewery in the city of Tsingato, but lost control of the area to Japan (under the sponsorship of Britain) in WW I. Thank you History Channel.

On the 32nd day...

Yep. I posted every day during March. I tossed up 33 nuggets for public perusal. Ta! Dah!