Thursday, May 22, 2008

Jesus Strikes Back

I searched for any information on the Saint Matthews Churces (a.k.a Prayer By Mail). The first result page was loaded with scam reports, alerts, accusations, investigation results, and the like. The "church" itself stated its case. It's only fair that I quote their position. After all, I did make fun of them yesterday.

Saint Matthew’s Churches receives tithes and offerings based on the Scriptures, and uses church donations to buy postage and printing of gospel sermons, books, magazines, and other literature that we give away free of charge. Saint Matthew's Churches does not sell anything. In its mail sermons, it preaches that God answers prayer, which cannot be construed as a mail scam or mail fraud.

However, the published sermons and sacred literature sent free of charge by Saint Matthew’s Churches crosses the paths of atheists; communists; drug dealers; criminals; the lunatic fringes of society; those who hate the United States, God and Christianity and those who hate us because we are gospel missionaries. They accuse all churches which mail sermons of mail scams and mail fraud.

There it is.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Jesus vs. My Shredder

Matt 24:11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many .

Not me, brother. The false prophet that sent "this free piece of jewelry, A Cross, Blessed for you." is numero uno on My Shit List (Windows), or iShit (OS X).

You guessed, it, in my haste to shred the thick envelope full o' false teachings, The Cross got jammed in my shredder. I even took care to break the job down into three passes, but alas, the complimentary talisman was overlooked. Talk about a grinding halt. Luckily, The Cross was made of material somewhere between the thickness of Reynolds Wrap and a third world coin. I picked out what I could from the teeth and eventually freed up the jam. But still . . .

The unshredded part of the "message" contained in the envelope discloses that Jesus is represented by Saint Matthew's Churches. PO Box 21210, Tulsa, Oklahoma. How the hell I got on their mailing list I'll never know. Maybe someone got $25 for referring five heathens. I don't know whether calling them to rant about my shredder would do any good. I'd probably get a craw full of testimony and would have the incident attributed to Jesus punishing me and my shredder for destroying The Word of God and his cheap assed, albeit blessed, Cross.

I wanted to save this moment to share with you. I have in my hand a sealed document. The gist of it is: I have to put my prayer requests in the mail before I dare open the sealed prophecy . If I don't? The prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread. It goes on to say that the sealed document is a sacred, spiritual prophecy, sealed Word concerning me and my future.

This is big. I'm going to open the sealed prophecy right now without having sent in my prayer requests, a church prayer rug (evidently shredded as I don't have it) and presumably some sort of funds to make all this mojo work better. OK, ready. here goes .......

Rats! Just a bunch of ambiguous bible crap, it must be written in tongues, as I can't make any sense out of it. Maybe if I sent in the requested items, it would become clear. I regret to inform the folks at Saint Matthews that I have also shredded the enclosed ANOINTED prayer rug, which they were thanking God about, because it is "in the mail so we can send it on to another dear soul"

So much for a slow week on this blog.

I cite other Harrumph Harrumph entries that deal with Jesus and / or shredders.

Saturday, May 17, 2008


Supermarket: 4:00 p.m. Thursday. --Back up. Do folks call stores where you buy food supermarkets these days? I know I get looked at like I have two heads when I speak of stereos or record players. Just wondering. I have to be careful not to speak middle English to youngsters. --- OK , back to the story I had a choice of three lanes and thought long and hard about which would be the quickest. Never pick a lane: with husband and wife together, purchasers of clothing, children, woman with checkbook, person on motor cart, friendly people, coupon holders, and orders with lots of produce.

Bosco ate a rubber band. A big one this time. He evidently pooped it out last night. He was running around the house in celebration, so I knew something must have happened. At daybreak, I checked it out and confirmed the passing. It's amazing what the little guy eats and gets away with.

"My Name is Earl" has to be the funniest network show around. It has no laugh track. It will be back next year. Alyssa Milano was a welcome addition.

Speaking of TV shows, I'll have to turn Showtime back on as soon as new Weeds episodes return. New Penn & Teller Bullshit! shows would ice the deal.

I obsess over this: I have a credit for Macy's of $58 and a $20 off coupon. I don't want to dish out any more money than $78 and I certainly don't want to leave any of this windfall unused. There is nothing that I need that adds up to $78. This is like finding the lowest common denominator between three mutant fractions.

I thought I might have accidentally doubled up on one of my meds today and checked online just to make sure no harm was done. I was instructed that if my poop was red or black, it would be wise to call a doctor. I would. But I have to tell you, I'd probably be awestruck and would delay the call until after I gawked at the side effect for a few minutes.

I think I've said enough for one night.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

All thumbs

I suppose I'm a 21st century man at last. I noticed that I now dial phones with my thumbs.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Bad Reviews

When I scan the "customer reviews" on a site like Epinions , I seem to always come across a 1-star review that pans the product because it didn't work correctly. I can read right through the rant about the poor quality of the product and perceive that the customer cannot or has not read the instructions or moreover doesn't grasp the concept of what the product is supposed to do and what it requires to operate and maintain.

I know of a few people (not you, though) that seemingly have bad luck with everything they buy. Their unprotected computers seem to have viruses. Their improperly tuned televisions look like crap. Their oil-starved car is always in the shop. Their full-memory, weak-battery, cameras stop working. Their driverless printers don't print. Scratched DVDs skip. Their uncharged cell phone drops calls. Many goods just won't stand up to the abuse of their feral children.

Some of these people need interventions. It would save them money and frustration and save us having to read misleading reviews.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Give Me that Old Time Profanity

Some things fall out of fashion. Profanity is not excluded. A few old curses come to mind.

Hot Damn
I think this is southern term, but I haven't heard it spoken in years by anyone but me. It keeps The Lord out of the situation, yet the "hot" of it lets there be no doubt that were talking about hell. It sounds close enough to God damn to serve as a euphemism too.

Ass Chewing
When someone was harshly reprimanded, it was often said that they had their "ass chewed out". I like the term. The metaphor matches the situation like a glove.

Shit Ass
This was used largely by elementary school kids. The distinction needed to be made from the more mild (and in the bible) ass - a.k.a donkey. The clarifying " shit" made it known that the recipient of the insult was an ass of the most vulgar kind.

Dirty Bastard
South Park brought bastard back in focus, but the Dirty Bastard, which no doubt followed the words "Why you..." in old movies has yet to return in full force. Technically there many bastards about theses days, so what's the big deal?

Like the Eskimo is said to have 100 words for snow, the old-style racist used to have 100 or more words for anything not as white as they were. As far as slurs go, it's a good one. Comical sounding, yet unambiguous. This one, like mustard gas, needs to stay retired.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Blue Tool or Crazy Person?

Some Ted Kaczynski-Nick Nolte-mugshot looking guy was in the bookstore today jabbering abruptly and vociferously. One couldn't avoid the one-sided conversation. It resembled a play by play of his life.

"History books"
"Well., I already red (sic) that one."
"Wait a minute!"
"No, that's not it."
"Big bookstore."
"I'm hungry."
"I'm going to walk over there."

I was trying to get a look to see if he was wearing an earpiece. He was gone in a flash, but you could hear him from way across the store. So was he talking to someone on his cell phone? Is this the answer to twitter? (Speech to text on your blog in real time) Or was he a nut?

This did give me an idea.
If I get any crazier and start talking to myself or imaginary friends, I'm going to wear an earpiece to disguise my disease.

Sunday, May 4, 2008


Headstones are the ultimate flip-off to the living. Headstones deny real estate to generations to come. Collectively, cemeteries prevent agriculture, housing, and other benefits of the land. One's lifeless remains become passive aggressive behavior at its finest. A perpetual sit down strike and it takes a court order to move you.

That's why one side of me wants a big monument. The prospect of annoying people 1000 or more years from now has appeal. I'll be cremated, so there will be no one getting rich by displaying my bones in a roadside attraction. The monument has to be an obelisk with a particularly sharp point. Birds will be denied a resting place.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Old Fashioned Politics

I answered the phone today and was greeted by an enthusiastic, but mannerly young fellow. He was canvasing for one of congressional candidates. I told the guy that I was undecided. Instead of meeting a wall of bull or having to endure the reading of a prepared statement, I was offered the chance to ask any questions about the candidate. The answers were direct and informative. Refreshing. Inspiring. How long has it been?

I need to get off my ass and volunteer this fall. I haven't done so since I helped Vance Hartke in 1970. If too many people sit idle, we'll wind up with the same kind of slugs that are in office now.

Friday, May 2, 2008


I was alone today and let out with a hearty laugh. The mere thought of Landlady triggered it.