Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Jesus vs. My Shredder

Matt 24:11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many .

Not me, brother. The false prophet that sent "this free piece of jewelry, A Cross, Blessed for you." is numero uno on My Shit List (Windows), or iShit (OS X).

You guessed, it, in my haste to shred the thick envelope full o' false teachings, The Cross got jammed in my shredder. I even took care to break the job down into three passes, but alas, the complimentary talisman was overlooked. Talk about a grinding halt. Luckily, The Cross was made of material somewhere between the thickness of Reynolds Wrap and a third world coin. I picked out what I could from the teeth and eventually freed up the jam. But still . . .

The unshredded part of the "message" contained in the envelope discloses that Jesus is represented by Saint Matthew's Churches. PO Box 21210, Tulsa, Oklahoma. How the hell I got on their mailing list I'll never know. Maybe someone got $25 for referring five heathens. I don't know whether calling them to rant about my shredder would do any good. I'd probably get a craw full of testimony and would have the incident attributed to Jesus punishing me and my shredder for destroying The Word of God and his cheap assed, albeit blessed, Cross.

I wanted to save this moment to share with you. I have in my hand a sealed document. The gist of it is: I have to put my prayer requests in the mail before I dare open the sealed prophecy . If I don't? The prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread. It goes on to say that the sealed document is a sacred, spiritual prophecy, sealed Word concerning me and my future.

This is big. I'm going to open the sealed prophecy right now without having sent in my prayer requests, a church prayer rug (evidently shredded as I don't have it) and presumably some sort of funds to make all this mojo work better. OK, ready. here goes .......

Rats! Just a bunch of ambiguous bible crap, it must be written in tongues, as I can't make any sense out of it. Maybe if I sent in the requested items, it would become clear. I regret to inform the folks at Saint Matthews that I have also shredded the enclosed ANOINTED prayer rug, which they were thanking God about, because it is "in the mail so we can send it on to another dear soul"

So much for a slow week on this blog.

I cite other Harrumph Harrumph entries that deal with Jesus and / or shredders.

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