Saturday, September 29, 2007

Look what fell out of my ear!

This morning, 8:00 a.m. I'm in that murky zone between sleep and being alert and I'm still stewing about bumper stickers. I begin to wonder if there are any bumper sticker ideas left untapped, if folks pay money for these ideas, and if I had to display a bumper sticker by losing a bet or through some other extraordinary circumstance, what message would I smack onto my tailgate?

Seemingly hundreds of ideas swirled around my head until I broke away from the loop of restless sleep. The one that emerged as the winner was:

Ask Me About My Goiter

Boola Boola

It's a sunny and cool (at least cooler) Saturday afternoon. It's a perfect day for college football. I am tempted to drive down to Bloomington and see IU play. This urge hits on one Saturday each year. This is that Saturday. Trouble is, IU is at Iowa and the mood will have passed by next week. I can't remember the last time I saw a college football game live. It may have been 20 years ago. One of these years I'm going to see it through and and see a game in person.

I'm left with Notre Dame on TV. Maybe if I open the windows and turn the sound way up, I can scratch this itch.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Bumper Sticker Rant of 2007

Rainy day. Stuck in the house with two restless dogs. Worse than the old teaching days when I had to supervise "indoor recess". They're bored, yet aren't motivated to do anything but pester you into offering entertainment that they, in turn, reject. Finally, it's dinner time. Oh, wonderful. We're out of kibble. So I'm off to Pet Smart, not in the best of moods.

Maybe this is why the notion crossed my mind to take issue with the occupants of a car plastered with bumper stickers. They were all of the usual glib Jesus the Conservative variety. "God Is My Co-Pilot", "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter". You've seen them. One indicated that speaking English is patriotic. Any space uncovered on the back of what appeared to be a Ford SUV was filled with every ribbon decal imaginable. Not being of a member of this particular flock, these messages were especially annoying.

I don't like most bumper stickers. Even if one says we need to socialize medicine, legalize pot, disband homeland security, or support any one of the political opinions that I hold dear, I don't want to see it.

Here's why I draw the conclusion that anyone who decorates their car with a multitude of bumper stickers comes off as an idiot.

1. No one is going to be swayed to your way of thinking by simply pasting a bumper sticker on your car. It is more likely that some crazy person is going to be upset by the mantras you purchased and kick your ass. A bumper sticker could conceivably cause you to be killed by a pro life advocate. There are plenty of unstable persons out there who may be already aggravated by having to go on a kibble run. A faded Bush / Cheney sticker may push them over the edge.

2. A political / social issue of any magnitude cannot be done justice by a bumper sticker. If these controversies were that simple they would have been resolved long ago.

3. It's obvious that the bumper sticker on your car was created by someone else and you are just parroting their thoughts.

4. Bumper stickers fuck up the appearance of your car.

5. I don't care where you've been, if you'd rather be fishing, what number to call to lose weight, or what you "heart".

6. The joke on your bumper sticker appears on thousands of other vehicles and t-shirts. I've seen it before.

7. Thanks for telling me who you're voting for. Who is running against this person? That's who I'll vote for.

8. If I'm a deity, wouldn't I consider it a bit of an insult to have my name and word displayed on the back of your F-100, while temples and monuments of great magnitude have been built in my honor? Tacky.

I can handle some bumper stickers. The name of the school you attend is fine or advertising a community event is acceptable. Is it understandable if you are covering up a rusted out area on your trunk? Maybe.

The dogs have been fed and are sleeping. A little Old #7 and a good book should ease my mind. Thanks for reading my rant.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Last word on recent topics.

  • Thanks to Sarah, I've located and purchased a WoodWick candle. It has adequate stench and puts on a big show thanks to the wide (what else?) wood wick. It snarls, pops, and flames. It's like a mini fireplace.

  • The yield on tonight's poop roundup was down about 50% There are many Tibbie mines left hiding among the aeration plugs. The problem is real.

  • Finally, I looked around to see if anyone else is as amused as I am by the toxin-removing foot patches. I think it's a pure scam and the crud on the patch is simply cleaned from matter that accumulates in the small crevices on the feet. BUT - The overwhelming majority seem to think these patches really work. There was even an ad for these patches on Web M.D.

I will say that negative ions carry some weight with me. Standing by the misty indoor waterfall at the Mirage in Las Vegas perks me up when I take a break from the poker tables. I'm still skeptical. I'd buy a set on foot patches just to see how much gunk came off my feet. Under no circumstance would I like to see any one else's foot residue.

Thar's Gold In Them Thar Feet

Sunday night. Late. Slim pickings for TV viewers, even those with hundreds of available channels . After Sunday Night Football, I took one more trip around the horn to see if could squeeze out one more bit of entertainment before calling it a night.

Eureka! I stopped clicking on a new (to me anyway) and captivating infomercial that belongs in Miss Cleo's Hall of Fame. It was for some sort of pad that one puts on their feet while they sleep. The pads are said to remove these toxins from your body. (e.g.) Aluminum, Antimony, Arsenic, Asbestos, Barium, Benzene, Cadmium, Chlorine, Cobalt, Copper, Fluoride, Formaldehyde, Gold, Isopropyl Alcohol, Lead, Mercury, Methyl Alcohol, Mold, Nickel, Parasites, PCBs, Platinum, Radioactive Materials, Stainless Steel, Thallium, Tin, Titanium, Uranium, and much more.

I can't believe what I saw!

The images shown in the ads are of a kind not seen since Pink Flamingos. The "After Use" image is one for the ages.

Here's the link. See for yourself. I can't find the words.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Where's Waldo?

Look at the picture.

This is the result of today's lawn aeration. The photo was taken in the backyard where Smooch and Bosco roam. Tell me, how am I going to be able to spot and scoop Tibetan Spaniel poop among these thousands of plugs in the yard?

Friday, September 14, 2007

Candle Opera - Act II

I have already documented the thrill I get from shredding stuff. I fear I may also have a mild case of pyromania.

Still no RPCs today despite a desperation trip to Wal-Mart. It may have been a matter of throwing good money after bad, but I bit on a Glade oil candle kit. Fresh Linen is the scent. The package boasted that it would fill the room with aroma after only a few minutes.

Right from the get go I realized what was missing from the Wisp flameless candle. That being the flame. Real fire. Accept no substitute. Can you imagine, for example, a tribal celebration with Glade Wisp Flameless Candles accenting the ring where the fertility dance is being held? Me neither. Lighting matches and setting something on fire is fun. Watching the flame - is fun.

A few minutes have passed and my den smells like a laundromat. The gods are appeased.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Candles in the Brain

There's just a hint of Autumn in the air. Football season is underway. It's time to kiss summer goodbye and start thinking about the winter routine.

Candles. They are a requirement for my den in the colder months. I'm picky about my candles. Yankee Candles and their cheap imitators are unacceptable. I do not like the wasted wax and the charred glass when the candle is burned only half away. Yankees are expensive. My main complaint is that them Yankees don't give out enough scent. The candidates have been weeded out over the years and Renuzit pillar candles are preferred, if not demanded.

I don't know what the deal is, but I can't find a single RPC (Renuzit Pillar Candle) in any of the lovely scents. Perhaps it's just the off season. I hope so. I intend to call the company as soon as I finish this entry. I hope too that the product isn't discontinued. I'll be particularly upset if some fecal-brained individual did something perverse with an RPC that resulted in injury, subsequently causing the product to be pulled from shelves. A fraternity prank gone bad, and in turn, negatively impacting my candle experience, would be devastating.

Plan B:

I picked up a flameless candle. This thing is funny. Funny, ha ha, and funny weird. You put a battery in the apparatus and it sends a periodic charge into a vial of oil. The thing emits a fragrant puff of smoke every few seconds. You can hear the "poof". Even the unimaginative would be able to conjure up a silly simile to describe this nonsense. Wait! There's more. If you press down on the top, it has a tiny LED or something that activates, giving the illusion that there is indeed a flame deep inside the frosted glass. It flickers. It smokes. It is not the answer.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Parts Unknown

This is the week of fantasy football drafts. I'll surface again around September 10. I'm fine and am being treated well.

The most boring thing in the world is having to listen to tales about someone else's fantasy football team. I wouldn''t dare subject anyone to this torment. Better that I ignore everyone and everything in the real world this week.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Today's Sermon

I had to go my neighbor's house today and ask if I could borrow some beer. He had only two. Despite my reluctance to wipe out his supply of holiday suds, he insisted that I take them. A little later he corralled 4 more bottles for me from his in-law's fridge.

Press [1] if you want an entry about how neighbors rise to the occasion in a time of need.

Press [2] if you are wondering what kind of person goes door-to-door borrowing beer.

It appears that everyone pressed [2]

Bear with me. I live in Indiana. This is a state that prohibits package liquor sales on Sundays. Our bratwurst and corn feast was a last minute dealio. No beer. I have never been to any social event where sausage was the main course and of beer was not one of the beverage choices. What would my guests think? I'm in a tough spot because of still another bullshit Indiana law.

I guess it is bad to drink beer on Sunday because it's supposedly the Lord's Day. This was a mere inconvenience when I lived in South Bend. Michigan was only 10 minutes away. If someone was down to their last case or two, they could count on State Line Liquors being open early Sunday morning.

Living smack dab in the middle of this backward state, I had to go the WWJD route. I know what Jesus did in this situation. Problem was that Jesus wasn't coming to the cookout and the chance of me turning tap water into Budweiser was nil. Although I don't share the view that beer is evil, I thought it might be wise to save my prayers for a time of greater need. So I called on a great friend and neighbor who I knew would understand the situation. He did.

What could be more Christian than lending a neighbor your last beer? I am truly inspired by this act of generosity and kindness.