Back to the gym

The money I'm saving by pulling the plug on HBO and Showtime is going in going into monthly fees for a fitness center. I was a member before, but after going religiously for months, my attendance dropped off to the equivalent of going only on Christmas and Easter.

My excuse was that that equipment there was faulty. The pulse monitors were not picking up a my heart rate. So why not get free exercise from cutting the grass or walking the dogs? I quit. The dogs run away when they see the leash, and I paid a kid down the street to mow the lawn on days when the temperature was above 80 degrees or I had better things to do like watch HBO and Showtime.

Long story, but the equipment at the exercise place wasn't bad. It was me. Somehow, despite normal blood pressure , cholesterol levels and such, I acquired atrial fibrillation and the monitors couldn't dial in my heart rate. The malady went on without symptoms for a year or so before it was discovered during a colonoscopy. (Talk about thorough! No, actually the vital signs machine picked up the irregularity) Now, a couple of pills per day overcomes any problems caused by the chronic condition. I also kicked a life long caffeine habit for good measure and have paid for the meds by passing up more salty snacks and other I-don't-really-need-to-be-eating-this-at-one a.m. foods. The third ugly head of the beast is lack of exercise. My thumbs have never been stronger from flipping channels, but unfortunately they represent the fittest part of my body.

My iPod touch will help get me through the boring workouts as will the occasional hottie that comes in to get even more trim. My friend, Ron, and I think the treadmills should have a TV monitor showing a woman with a nice butt running ahead of you. If you maintain a good pace you can see her clearly, if not she runs out of viewing range. Odd, but Patti doesn't like the idea. Why not? If it gets the desired result, who's to quibble?