Bumper Sticker Rant of 2007

Rainy day. Stuck in the house with two restless dogs. Worse than the old teaching days when I had to supervise "indoor recess". They're bored, yet aren't motivated to do anything but pester you into offering entertainment that they, in turn, reject. Finally, it's dinner time. Oh, wonderful. We're out of kibble. So I'm off to Pet Smart, not in the best of moods.

Maybe this is why the notion crossed my mind to take issue with the occupants of a car plastered with bumper stickers. They were all of the usual glib Jesus the Conservative variety. "God Is My Co-Pilot", "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter". You've seen them. One indicated that speaking English is patriotic. Any space uncovered on the back of what appeared to be a Ford SUV was filled with every ribbon decal imaginable. Not being of a member of this particular flock, these messages were especially annoying.

I don't like most bumper stickers. Even if one says we need to socialize medicine, legalize pot, disband homeland security, or support any one of the political opinions that I hold dear, I don't want to see it.

Here's why I draw the conclusion that anyone who decorates their car with a multitude of bumper stickers comes off as an idiot.

1. No one is going to be swayed to your way of thinking by simply pasting a bumper sticker on your car. It is more likely that some crazy person is going to be upset by the mantras you purchased and kick your ass. A bumper sticker could conceivably cause you to be killed by a pro life advocate. There are plenty of unstable persons out there who may be already aggravated by having to go on a kibble run. A faded Bush / Cheney sticker may push them over the edge.

2. A political / social issue of any magnitude cannot be done justice by a bumper sticker. If these controversies were that simple they would have been resolved long ago.

3. It's obvious that the bumper sticker on your car was created by someone else and you are just parroting their thoughts.

4. Bumper stickers fuck up the appearance of your car.

5. I don't care where you've been, if you'd rather be fishing, what number to call to lose weight, or what you "heart".

6. The joke on your bumper sticker appears on thousands of other vehicles and t-shirts. I've seen it before.

7. Thanks for telling me who you're voting for. Who is running against this person? That's who I'll vote for.

8. If I'm a deity, wouldn't I consider it a bit of an insult to have my name and word displayed on the back of your F-100, while temples and monuments of great magnitude have been built in my honor? Tacky.

I can handle some bumper stickers. The name of the school you attend is fine or advertising a community event is acceptable. Is it understandable if you are covering up a rusted out area on your trunk? Maybe.

The dogs have been fed and are sleeping. A little Old #7 and a good book should ease my mind. Thanks for reading my rant.