Look what fell out of my ear!

This morning, 8:00 a.m. I'm in that murky zone between sleep and being alert and I'm still stewing about bumper stickers. I begin to wonder if there are any bumper sticker ideas left untapped, if folks pay money for these ideas, and if I had to display a bumper sticker by losing a bet or through some other extraordinary circumstance, what message would I smack onto my tailgate?

Seemingly hundreds of ideas swirled around my head until I broke away from the loop of restless sleep. The one that emerged as the winner was:

Ask Me About My Goiter

Boola Boola

It's a sunny and cool (at least cooler) Saturday afternoon. It's a perfect day for college football. I am tempted to drive down to Bloomington and see IU play. This urge hits on one Saturday each year. This is that Saturday. Trouble is, IU is at Iowa and the mood will have passed by next week. I can't remember the last time I saw a college football game live. It may have been 20 years ago. One of these years I'm going to see it through and and see a game in person.

I'm left with Notre Dame on TV. Maybe if I open the windows and turn the sound way up, I can scratch this itch.

Bumper Sticker Rant of 2007

Rainy day. Stuck in the house with two restless dogs. Worse than the old teaching days when I had to supervise "indoor recess". They're bored, yet aren't motivated to do anything but pester you into offering entertainment that they, in turn, reject. Finally, it's dinner time. Oh, wonderful. We're out of kibble. So I'm off to Pet Smart, not in the best of moods.

Maybe this is why the notion crossed my mind to take issue with the occupants of a car plastered with bumper stickers. They were all of the usual glib Jesus the Conservative variety. "God Is My Co-Pilot", "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter". You've seen them. One indicated that speaking English is patriotic. Any space uncovered on the back of what appeared to be a Ford SUV was filled with every ribbon decal imaginable. Not being of a member of this particular flock, these messages were especially annoying.

I don't like most bumper stickers. Even if one says we need to socialize medicine, legalize pot, disband homeland security, or support any one of the political opinions that I hold dear, I don't want to see it.

Here's why I draw the conclusion that anyone who decorates their car with a multitude of bumper stickers comes off as an idiot.

1. No one is going to be swayed to your way of thinking by simply pasting a bumper sticker on your car. It is more likely that some crazy person is going to be upset by the mantras you purchased and kick your ass. A bumper sticker could conceivably cause you to be killed by a pro life advocate. There are plenty of unstable persons out there who may be already aggravated by having to go on a kibble run. A faded Bush / Cheney sticker may push them over the edge.

2. A political / social issue of any magnitude cannot be done justice by a bumper sticker. If these controversies were that simple they would have been resolved long ago.

3. It's obvious that the bumper sticker on your car was created by someone else and you are just parroting their thoughts.

4. Bumper stickers fuck up the appearance of your car.

5. I don't care where you've been, if you'd rather be fishing, what number to call to lose weight, or what you "heart".

6. The joke on your bumper sticker appears on thousands of other vehicles and t-shirts. I've seen it before.

7. Thanks for telling me who you're voting for. Who is running against this person? That's who I'll vote for.

8. If I'm a deity, wouldn't I consider it a bit of an insult to have my name and word displayed on the back of your F-100, while temples and monuments of great magnitude have been built in my honor? Tacky.

I can handle some bumper stickers. The name of the school you attend is fine or advertising a community event is acceptable. Is it understandable if you are covering up a rusted out area on your trunk? Maybe.

The dogs have been fed and are sleeping. A little Old #7 and a good book should ease my mind. Thanks for reading my rant.

Last word on recent topics.

• Thanks to Sarah, I've located and purchased a WoodWick candle. It has adequate stench and puts on a big show thanks to the wide (what else?) wood wick. It snarls, pops, and flames. It's like a mini fireplace.

• The yield on tonight's poop roundup was down about 50% There are many Tibbie mines left hiding among the aeration plugs. The problem is real.

• Finally, I looked around to see if anyone else is as amused as I am by the toxin-removing foot patches. I think it's a pure scam and the crud on the patch is simply cleaned from matter that accumulates in the small crevices on the feet. BUT - The overwhelming majority seem to think these patches really work. There was even an ad for these patches on Web M.D.

I will say that negative ions carry some weight with me. Standing by the misty indoor waterfall at the Mirage in Las Vegas perks me up when I take a break from the poker tables. I'm still skeptical. I'd buy a set on foot patches just to see how much gunk came off my feet. Under no circumstance would I like to see any one else's foot residue.

Thar's Gold In Them Thar Feet

Sunday night. Late. Slim pickings for TV viewers, even those with hundreds of available channels . After Sunday Night Football, I took one more trip around the horn to see if could squeeze out one more bit of entertainment before calling it a night.

Eureka! I stopped clicking on a new (to me anyway) and captivating infomercial that belongs in Miss Cleo's Hall of Fame. It was for some sort of pad that one puts on their feet while they sleep. The pads are said to remove these toxins from your body. (e.g.) Aluminum, Antimony, Arsenic, Asbestos, Barium, Benzene, Cadmium, Chlorine, Cobalt, Copper, Fluoride, Formaldehyde, Gold, Isopropyl Alcohol, Lead, Mercury, Methyl Alcohol, Mold, Nickel, Parasites, PCBs, Platinum, Radioactive Materials, Stainless Steel, Thallium, Tin, Titanium, Uranium, and much more.

I can't believe what I saw!

The images shown in the ads are of a kind not seen since Pink Flamingos. The "After Use" image is one for the ages.

Here's the link. See for yourself. I can't find the words.