Saturday, August 29, 2009

Dog Derby

Being cute will not save you.

I almost sent for Winston Wolf (Pulp Fiction fixer) to clean up this mess. I'm pretty damned proud of myself for taking control of the situation without resorting to desperate means.

I had five dogs in my happy home for most of yesterday. These would be:

1. Bosco - our resident male Tibetan Spaniel. I've imprinted my personality on him. We thus have a dog who is fiercely independent and doesn't cotton to disturbances in his daily regimen.

2. Smooch - The grand old girl and Bosco's big sister. She calls the shots for all things dog. Part diva, part matriarch, part assassin; she requires one's full attention and all the food you can shove her way.

3. Wendy - She came for in an overnighter. She's been here before and acts better than our dogs (#1 and #2). She's a Golden Retriever and we often fail to account for her relatively large frame. She asks that people fulfill her needs by wedging her massive head onto your lap. It's frustrating for Wendy and us because we don't, try as we may, properly respond to her prompts.

4. Spirit - The neighbor Chihuahua is here for a week. In a word, she's spoiled. She wasted no time making herself at home and is not shy about intruding on dogs #1,2, and 3's space.

5. Paco - Also a chihuahua from the neighbor, he's young and brash. Nervous and active, he may be a candidate for a doggy Xanax.

Wendy arrived Thursday evening and outside of feasting on a pair of underwear that I carelessly failed to hamper during a shower, she was no problem at all. Later the chihuahuas were dropped off. Los perros are immediately intimidated and retreat to their bed in fear of Wendy and the foreign environment. Then Wendy gets rescued. This must be like when the tough guy is bailed out of the county lock up. The chihuahuas make their move. The little heathens tear around the house, and have scattered all the dog toys about. It was cute at first, but at 3:00 was getting old. They did not stop to go out for piss breaks, instead they let loose on the run. Bosco and Smooch are able to shut this out and are sound asleep with my dear wife. I'm on pee pee patrol and trying to localize the mayhem by shutting off rooms. I'm afraid Smooch is going to be rudely jarred from her sleep and murder (justifiably) one of the little demons. With no help, I'm being routed.

I'm up today and the mayhem continues. The wife is not here ( she owes me big time for abandoning me in a time of need) and my dogs are not interested in intervening. Spirit takes a leak on the carpet and I, without regard to the feelings of the neighbor's precious pets, give Spirit all kinds of hell for the "accident" and swoop her up, set her in the grass and wait until she pees again before offering any praise. Paco is stunned. He sheepishly, slinks outdoors. Bosco and Smooch take the opportunity to browse about the yard and walk past the two midgety dogs and shoot them a disdainful look.

All is well now. I don't care how adorable you are. Mess with my stuff or pee on my floor and you pay the price. Word is out. Don't screw with the alpha dog.


Call Me Cate said...

That's way too many dogs. And way too much pee on floors. Glad you've all survived each other!

Becca said...

Oh man, sounds like a ton of dogs! My dog HATES when any other dog comes over.

TMC said...

I love dogs but don't envy you that bunch!