Thursday, April 23, 2009

At Least I Thought I Had My Health

I say up late, I mean real late. Vampire hours, if you will. This makes me the target audience for every pill, tonic, topical rub, and medical device pitchman working after hours television. Let's start off with insomnia.

Ambien suggests that I will wake from an eight-hour sleep and wake up on 1000 thread-count sheets, with no stubble, no dried drool on my chin and, for good measure, a mate without morning hair. The drawbacks: Sleepwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with amnesia for the event, as well as behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation, and hallucinations have been reported. Don't take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors. Hallucinations aside, I don't need this. ..and no - the alcohol stays.

Lunesta offers the same faux sleep , but precludes me from operating heavy machinery. While not a deal killer as I seldom tool around on a road grater at 3:00 a.m. to pass the time, alcohol is still verboten and it does not seem to enhance any of Lunesta's benefits.

Perhaps it's the bed. Passing out does not count as sleep, so we'll forego the meds for now.

Enter the blurry image and soothing voice of Lindsay Wagner. The former bionic babe has resurfaced as the spokesperson for therapeutic sleep. One of beds lets you set the hardness or softness of each side of the bed. This point is nearly moot. There but for the hour or two when my wife and I are sleeping at the same time, separate adjustments are not needed. When in bed, I couldn't resist jacking around with the remote that tweaks the hardness of my side. I'd lose sleep worrying about having the optimal setting. Then there are other bed related functions. Arguing over how to set the bed for sex could kill the mood. It must be mentioned that the bed costs $7000.00. But if you're on a budget and have a thing for LindsayWagner:

The sleep commercials are soothing and help to some extent, but then WHAMO. Billy Fucking Mays and his 110 dB voice (best described as a cross between a theremin and and a jack hammer) blasts me to an alert state with his Awesome Auger. I don't know what this has to do with meds, but it may be an underlying cause to my insomnia.

Now about my dick. that certain part of the male anatomy. I find no fault with mine , but according to the numerous promos from the folks at Enzyte, Extenze, DermaMax, et al., a gerbil would be ashamed to wield my tool. What irks me is the tee-hee, 2nd generation Victorian tone in many of these ads. Hell's belles! Stop beating around the bush. Everything is on the down low but it's four freakin' a.m. The kids are in bed. Why doesn't the panel of size-seeking bimbos break out into a Sir Mix Alot style video? No mention of the organ in question. No before-and-after pictures. WTF?

No thanks to hair restoration. I am not rubbing any sort of vile tonic on my scalp. I am not going Joe Biden. A rug? Nope. Nothing a shaved head or a five-dollar hat can't fix if I ever get worried about having challenged follicles.

This leads me to the names of meds

Allegra: Rhymes with the disease Pellagra. Sounds like a musical term. The "g" in allergy has different phonetics.

Avodart - I do not want a sharp-pointed missile being tossed at my prostate

Lipitor - One of the Masters of the Universe? Botox in pill form? Lipids generally are bad. Like naming an anticongestant Snotmax.

Propecia - Most popular kindergarten child's name in 2014.

I'm taking a breather. I'll finish this later ....


Rebecca said...

I had a friend on Ambien who would make angry phone calls late at night and have no memory of it. He found out when he checked his work voice mail and heard a message of him cussing himself out at 3am. Awesome/scary.

TM said...

My MIL didn't even finish the sample. She was more fatigued than she would have been staying up.