Original (Part I)

I mentioned yesterday that I would very much like to punch Joe Biden in the nose. I'd like to punch him so hard that his hair implants would fly around the room like the needles from a vigorously shaken, two month-old Christmas tree. That's the only reason I want to punch him; fake hair. I don't trust anyone who tries to drastically change their appearance to help advance their agenda. Sure, look your best, but don't try to deceive others.

My hair is starting to thin.
I have a receding hairline.
I'm experiencing some hair loss.
I'm damned near bald. *

Sure, hair like that of a TV Evangelist, country music star, or werewolf might be preferred, but it wasn't to be. I simply get my survivors of male pattern baldness buzzed off every few days. No problem. Like my daughter said in kindergarten when told she was printing her "e"s wrong, " If you don't like it, you don't have to look at it."

I might add, that not having to deal with a troublesome coiffure has shortened my morning regimen by 5 minutes or more.

So much for my head. I bristle at ads by Bosley, Hair Club for Men (First rule of Hair Club - There is no Hair Club), and other hair-restoring systems. The before picture has the follicle-challenged dude with a dour look on his face, unshaven, and looking a bit hung over and horny. The after picture shows presumably the same stud with a shit-eating grin on his face after his trip to a health spa and a weekend of hot sex. There also appears to be a dead badger sitting on his pate. This is no sweet deal for those who desire false hair. The remedy can cost thousands. Not to be crass... OK I am crass. But prostitutes don't charge extra for bald guys and if getting "dates" is the purpose of buying hair, then you can buy plenty dates for that price.

I submit Indiana Speaker of the House, Patrick Bauer








I can't take this guy seriously. Lose the hairpiece and I might.

* Cate style

Punching

I'd like to see a world much like the toon world in the old Roger Rabbit movie . The toons could take a falling anvil to the head, shake it off, and keep on going. Along with toon-like resilience for the faces of my fellow man, I additionally wish that punching was an accepted way of sending a message to those who annoy you. The recipient of a good punch could stand there with his face comically distorted and have stars circling his head for a few moments while everyone laughed at him. A yaddy yaddy later the face would pop back into place and life would go on.

On these terms, punching is funny to me. I laughed uncontrollably when Chevy Chase punched in the face of Marty Moose. When lady Twitterers threaten to punch people it's funny on so many levels. A sweet girl belting an obnoxious boss in the puss? How can I not laugh at the notion?

So given that these people's faces would pop back into place (eventually) , here is my list of
People I'd Like to Punch.

1. Sam Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher.


2. Howie Mandell


3. "Doctor" Phil


4. Seth Green


5. Mike Pence


6. Billy Mays


7. Rush Limbaugh


8. The guy two doors down from me.


9. Miss California


10. The lady talking about "certain part of the male anatomy" on the Extenze commercial


11. The bearded dickhead on the Save The Children promo


12. John Edward a.k.a "Biggest Douche in the Universe"


13. Bob Rohrman


14. Dick Cheney


15. Glen Beck


16. Jack and Rexalla Van Impe


17. Donald Trump


18. Paula Abdul


19. A random AIG executive


20. The lady ahead of me in the checkout lane.


21. Mike Tirico


22. Dick Bavetta


23. Jennifer Aniston


24. Joe Biden


25. TBA

Balance

It might be a good day to show my sensitive side.
Yeah, I have one.

Stop laughing.



To counteract yesterday's pimping of "Fuck You" by Lily Allen, today I offer the song that is most capable of bringing out the few molecules of sweet that are within me.

After I listen to this song, I want to hug people, twirl around like Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music", let people cut in front of me in the checkout line, and even, uh, smile.

This isn't like that one time that a told a girlfriend that I thought her favorite love song was also my own favorite song just to advance my cause. I truly love this song. It is inspirational and, might I add, masterfully performed. I react to it like the original Mighty Joe Young reacted to "Beautiful Dreamer"

Calm the beast. Lyrics below - song on play list to the right.

A Thousand Beautiful Things - Annie Lennox

Every day I write the list
Of reasons why I still believe they do exist
(a thousand beautiful things)
And even though it's hard to see
The glass is full and not half empty
(a thousand beautiful things)
So... light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
Never close my eyes

I thank you for the air to breathe
The heart to beat
The eyes to see again
(a thousand beautiful things)
And all the things that's been and done
The battle's won
The good and bad in everyone
(this is mine to remember)
So ...
Here I go again
Singin' by your window
Pickin' up the pieces of what's left to find

The world was meant for you and me
To figure out our destiny
(a thousand beautiful things)
To live
To die
To breathe
To sleep
To try to make your life complete
(yes yes)
So ...
Light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
never close my eyes ...
That is everything I have to say
(that's all I have to say)

Eloquent

Can't jabber enough about the song "Fuck You" by Lily Allen. Before you go Victorian on my ass or think this is one of those rowdy and ribald bar classics like "Piss Up a Rope" and click off this page...

Lily Allen, in her sweet style, takes down the mean and ignorant who plague this planet. Besides the wonderful lyrics , it's a perky little tune that you can hum all day. You can go to playlist on the right to hear it.

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
and look a bit harder
cause we’re so uninspired
so sick and tired
of all the hatred you harbor

so you say it’s not okay to be gay
well I think you’re just evil
you’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces
you’re point of view is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch

fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause your words don’t translate
and it’s getting quite late
so please don’t stay in touch

do you get, do you get a little kick out of being small-minded?
you want to be like your father
it’s approval you’re after
well that’s not how you’ll find it

do you, do you really enjoy living a life that’s so hateful
cause there’s a hole where your soul should be
you’re losing control of it
and it’s really distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause your words don’t translate
and it’s getting quite late
so please don’t stay in touch

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
and look a bit harder
cause we’re so uninspired
so sick and tired
of all the hatred you harbor

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause your words don’t translate
and it’s getting quite late
so please don’t stay in touch

Contraband

Anyone who has worked in an elementary school will tell you that Article IX, Section 17b of the school discipline code strictly prohibits gum and / or candy in the classroom. My days enforcing this law has at least given me a leg up on my training for a position in the DEA.

At the top of the Pyramid of Illegal Sweets was an apparently highly addictive mixture of sugar and chemistry's greatest bloopers, Now and Later candy. It was distributed by the local Village Pantry. Children lined up outside the store each morning to get their daily fix. Tons of it found its way into the school building, yet only a small portion of the trafficked substance was ever confiscated.

The watermelon flavor could be sniffed out from yards away and the tell-tale, green colored tongue from the apple-flavored squares provided damning evidence that a Now and Later had been eaten. A bust might take 3 or 4 squares off the streets, but seldom was a full unopened "stick" retired from circulation.

An unusual circumstance arose when a student claimed the Now and Laters (banana) in his lunch box were actually his dessert. I wanted to see for myself what these things tasted like, so I gave the kid a pass under the condition that I could have one of his squares. I can best describe the experience as unforgettable.

Initially, a Now and Later has the texture of hard chalk. You have to work it hard to get it into a semi chewy state before the taste is evident. I tasted no real banana, although the yellow color and a hint off banana smell, like that from a scratch and sniff book, provided enough to classify the flavor as banana. The beauty of the Now and Later from a kid's perspective is that you can chomp it up for quick consumption, or you can go the snuff route and park it your mouth for a long-lasting sugar drip.

The slogan on the wrapper said "Eat Some Now. Save Some for Later." I did not dare read the list of ingredients. But for the record:

INGREDIENTS: Corn Syrup, Sugar, Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Citric Acid, Egg Whites, Salt, Potato Starch, Artificial Flavor, Emulsifiers (Soy Lecithin), Artificial Color (Red #40, Yellow #5, Blue #1, Blue #2

I haven't had one since.