Your kind isn't welcome here..

Man. Have I received some downright dirty looks at Micheal's, Jo Ann Fabrics and Hobby Lobby from some of the customers lately. In pursuit of materials suitable for putting together my "boats" game, I have wandered into these joints looking for such things as vinyl, doll house parts, sewing boxes, and any other item that can be used in making and managing my own game components. That's why I'm there.

Why the bad vibes? The clerks treat me very well because I don't chat for 20 minutes about how my centerpiece will look, or ask about the allergens in the Styrofoam Christmas reef bases. No, if I find what I want, I have payment ready, and am gone quicker than Keyzer Sose.

Maybe it's the fact that a man is on the loose without his wife keeping him in tow, or maybe its because I'm invading some kind of private club. I certainly don't try to sneak a peak through any of the sweatshirts with turkey appliques and embroidered pilgrims all over them to catch a breast shot.

I have started giving the icy stare right back, as if to say, "I feel sorry for your husband, the poor sonofabitch."

Instant Humor

Want to make me laugh?
It's easy. All you need to know are:

"__head"
"__on wheels"

I laughed out loud last night when I saw "Werewolves On Wheels" was playing on MonsterVision. Just put anything on wheels and I'll at least grin. Golden Retrievers on wheels, Dumbasses on wheels, Republicans on wheels. Simple, isn't it?

Then there's brickhead, shithead, cheesehead, fathead, doghead ......

If you want me to lose bladder control due to laughing, roll out Gilbert Gottfried.

Stop it, you're killing me.

Now you see them.....

Recognize this guy? No? Maybe you're not a fan of junk science shows that run on Discovery Channel and the like. This fellow is Stanton T. Friedman. He only shows up on programs dealing with UFOs. He's the house expert that rehashes his conjectures about alien visitors on seemingly every show.

You never see him otherwise. He's like eggnog. Ever see eggnog in July? Didn't think so. Friedman seem to be put into storage until the next UFO show is aired.

There's plenty of Friedmans. Don King must be packed away in a Las Vegas warehouse until he is needed in the boxing ring to wave his little American flags around. The Detroit Lions only seem to exist as a participant in Thanksgiving's early game. Marcia Clark is always standing by in case there are O.J. troubles.

Just thought I'd point this out.

Now I AM offended!

In my youth, the fallout from the Victorian age and the iron hand of Pop Pius XII prevailed. Those are the days when Lucy and Desi slept in twin beds (Smoked unfiltered Phillip Morrises nonstop, though.) Roy Rogers wouldn't say shit or crap even if he stepped in a pile of Trigger poop. and kissing on the first date was thought by some to be pushing the envelope.

Despite these mores, folks still managed to pass gas with pretty much the same regularity as today. Trouble was , we couldn't call them farts. Everyone had to bend over backwards to come up with a polite term for an impolite event. My parents decided they should be called "stinkers". What!? That's worse than fart. Fart is a nonsense syllable that makes no mistake about what has happened. Stinker, on the other hand, not only implies that the particular cheese cutting has an offensive odor, but, in my opinion, adds a bit of vulgarity to the situation. I point this out as case where the substituted word or phrase is more offensive than the one it replaces.

I find this to be true today of "N-Word". When someone says "N-Word", does anyone have to scratch their head before determining what the N-Word is? The connection is made at once and the real N-Word is processed immediately and contemplated. "N-Word" has to go too. It's a real stinker.

It's Uncle Fred's Favorite Place

Sarah, Brenden, and I were making fun of the people of Indianapolis and their concept of Chinese food. Mind you, we probably would be made fun of by some for our limited exposure to Food of the World, but we are giants among midgets in this land.

The locally popular Chinese buffets that go by the names like "8 Lucky Buffet" serve up the most unimaginative oriental-themed dishes since La Choy. Every one of these establishments seem to be the same. This leads me to believe that the food is the same and is distributed from some central location.

Pictured is a Sesame Chicken delivery at one of the Chinese buffets.